Episode #1032
What do you do when you’re fighting with your wife and it feels like you didn’t do anything wrong? How do you handle conflict without making things worse?
In this episode, Doug and Chris talk through the real challenges men face when arguments come up out of nowhere. They break down what’s actually going on under the surface, how to lead with calm confidence, and how to respond in a way that builds connection instead of more distance.
They also share personal stories about how they’ve worked through conflict in their own marriages. You’ll learn how to create safety, shift your energy, and set clear boundaries without backing down or giving in.
This episode also covers how to turn everyday moments like cooking or cleaning into chances to build intimacy and connection. It’s not about doing more. It’s about showing up with intention, even in the middle of a busy life.
You’ll walk away with tools you can use right now to reset the tone in your home and start leading your relationship forward.
If your marriage feels off and you’re not sure where to start, go watch the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. It shows you exactly what’s broken and how to fix it. No guesswork, just a clear plan that works.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Doug Holt 0:00
I think that's a big mistake a lot of business guys make. You know, your wife wants to know about your day. She doesn't want to know about your business.
Christopher Hansen 0:06
Day. Just really cool to be in a room with guys that have been doing this work consistently for so long.
Doug Holt 0:12
Would you rather be right or rather be happy? Take a deep breath and recognize that she's scared, right? That's really what's going on. Make her understand and know, two different things. Make her understand and know that she is my number one, right? She's my queen. I've got her back.
Doug Holt 0:40
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. We are once again graced by Christopher "The Diamond Healer" Hansen. Chris is one of our top advisors over at TPM. So if you were inquiring about, let's say, a program like The Activation Method or The Ascension Blueprint, one of our flagship programs, Chris would be one of the people that you may get on a phone call with. And he's going to field questions from you, just understand where you're at to see if our programs are a good fit, because hey, it may not be the best fit for you. And that's what Chris's job is, and also to give you some insights.
So in that position, Chris also fields questions, questions from our app, questions from our Facebook group, and questions that come into the inbox, which is vip@thepowerfulman.com. So today we're going to field a few of those questions, and we'll get some answers for you guys.
To Chris, thanks for being here, man. Thanks for having me, brother. I know you had a late night. You had date night. Good job taking your wife out on a date, doing what we practice and what we preach.
Christopher Hansen 1:39
, and then I rested afterwards. I feel like it completely aligned this morning. It's really great.
Doug Holt 1:46
Great hat as well. For those watching on YouTube, nice, right? We just had the Legends event over here at the TPM ranch. We had guys here at the ranch for the Legends event. One guy in particular, Mike, I did his Alpha Reset seven years ago. And most of those guys have been in the movement three, four, five years. A fantastic group of men.
And of course, you came over on the Wednesday and assisted out for a transformational process that we led the men through.
Christopher Hansen 2:13
, it was a great experience. Honored to be in that room, first and foremost. And just really cool to be in a room with guys that have been doing this work consistently for so long., I've been in a lot of rooms and doing processes like that, and that was one of the easiest. Like, those guys just came in prepared, knew what to do, did their thing. So it was great. I mean, they were amazing to work with.
Doug Holt 2:41
They were okay. I think the facilitator was the best. I've known the guys for a long time, he's a friend of mine now, so I get to give him a little crap here and there, sure. But it's okay. It's a testimony, right? At TPM, we say, "The journey is the destination," or "The destination is the journey," depending on how you want to phrase that. But essentially meaning, you don't just arrive, right? It's like anything in life. You don't just arrive. You get to enjoy the process. And in what I call "raising your stock," right, and growing your own personal value, it never stops. You can keep rising. And these men are doing just that. So I know you have some questions that came in. Hit me.
Christopher Hansen 3:21
, cool. So this one comes out of the TPM app. It's from Scott, and I think it's a great question. So he says, "What do you do when you're fighting and you honestly feel like you have done nothing wrong? How to navigate those waters? How do you navigate those waters without making everything worse?"
Doug Holt 3:44
, that is a good question, dude. I can remember those days back early on in what my wife and I call our marriage 1.0 , like our before we actually came about, when things were bad. We seemed to argue a lot, and sometimes you forget what you’re arguing about. And what I used to do, so don’t do this, Scott and guys listening, I used to argue to prove I was right, right?
And there used to be this thing that went around in a lot of the relationship teachings, which was, “Would you rather be right or rather be happy?” And that’s kind of like, would you want your cake and eat it too? Well,, Why would I have cake if I couldn’t eat it? Right? I’ve never understood that saying. And I do get “Would you rather be right or happy?” but I’d like to be both.
And so what I’ve come to realize is a couple things. One is: don’t engage in the fight. You don’t have to engage. So if you’re in an argument, if you choose not to engage, it’s hard for the person to argue with you, right? They’ll have a very difficult time. They're going to keep making their points, and if you just listen and use what we call The Hidden Motives Technique, right, really listen and understand their point of view, a lot of times that argument goes away.
, and if you’re right, you don’t have to apologize. In fact, I recommend never apologizing unless you truly mean it. But, so The Hidden Motives Technique, let’s use a... Let’s see. What could an argument be here?
Christopher Hansen 5:13
I mean, I literally went through this in the last 48 hours., So not to get too deep into the argument, but I will give you an example. So my wife and I had a friend over this weekend who, navigating friendship dynamics, there was some tension in the room. My wife felt like I didn’t show up in a way that was like supportive for her, but I did show up in a way that was supportive for this other friend, right? So regardless of circumstance, it turned into an argument between my wife and I. I don’t know if that’s a good enough example.
Doug Holt 5:48
It is perfect. Cool. So maybe your wife comes up to you and starts arguing like, “You never stick up for me,” something like that, okay? And you don’t, you felt like you did it, right?
Then what, in that place, what I would want to do is, or at this stage of my development, take a deep breath and recognize that she’s scared, right? That’s really what’s going on. She’s scared that she’s not good enough. She’s scared that maybe you’re finding, I happen to know the other friend was a female, that that female is more attractive, or maybe she’s hitting on you and you’re defending her. So your wife, you know, she might feel bloated that day, or, depending on where she is in her cycle, there could be all kinds of hormonal things going on for her.
And so for a brief moment, consciously or subconsciously, she could be scared she’s losing you. So in that case, I wouldn’t go into it. Now what I would do, mileage may vary, right, is if my wife came up to me, I might go, “Oh, babe, oh, come on, I’m so sorry you feel that way. I would never want you to feel like you’re not important to me. I didn’t even realize that that was coming across that way. I don’t want that to happen to you,” you know?
And so I would engage in that manner to see how she reacted. And I would approach it with a very light, like, “Ah babe, that… look”, kind of like, “That’s cute,” kind of energy, if you will, not to degrade her in any way or diminish what she’s feeling, but to shift the energy. That would be my intent with that. But also recognizing, like, she’s scared. So I want to make sure she feels safe, right?
So then I would add on to something like that. Something like, “Oh babe, I never want you to feel that way. You are the only one for me. You’re the woman I want to be with. So if you felt for some reason that I wasn’t showing up in a way that was appropriate to you, well I’m sorry, because that’s not my intent.”
So there’s a key here before I continue, I’m not apologizing for the action, but I am taking ownership of how my action landed on her, right? mBecause the truth is, and I know this is true for you, Chris, I don’t want my wife to think less than of herself. I don’t want her to think that I’m thinking less of her and that this other woman that we’re hanging out with is more, unless, you know, that’s the case.
And so I just want to reassure her, so she’s afraid. So now I’m going to validate her feelings, right? Validate what she’s talking about. Make her understand and know, two different things. Make her understand and know that she is my number one, right? She’s my queen. I’ve got her back.
Now generally off that, there’s going to come some questions. Either:
a) she completely backs down and owns it and is like, “Oh, I know, I’m just, I’m feeling so blah today that, you know, I saw you with Susie and Susie’s, you know, got big boobs,” and you know, whatever it may be. “And I know we haven’t been intimate in a while…” and then you can address that problem, because that’s the real concern.
Or what used to happen in my marriage, right, would be she would go, “Well, you know, you said this…” Now she’s going to go into DEER mode, right? She’s going to explain her grievances and come at me more again.
If I stay in that mode of just listening and being receptive, not accepting, no, I wouldn’t accept any attacks on me, right? So if she starts attacking me, I go, “Whoa, hold on. I’m not going to allow you to do this, to me, to our marriage, or to you. This is not your best case. Do you need to take a break? Do you need to come back to this conversation later, or can we have a calm conversation so we can get to the bottom of this?”
Now I’m taking a very firm tone, very different, but I’m also enforcing a boundary. Like, “This is not how you treat me.” And because I’ve been doing this for years, Chris, I don’t get that response anymore, right? It just doesn’t, like the way that my wife treats me is known, and vice versa, right? She’s taught me how to treat her too, with love, respect, admiration, and all the things that come with it. I’m not perfect, neither is she.
So now I’m going to address that conversation in that manner. Now let’s say she comes at me but it’s not bad, right? Like, “Well, you know, when Susie was saying”, I’m trying to make it up, man, “when Susie was saying the sky’s blue and I said the sky is aqua, you took her side. And every time you always take her side.”
I would say something like, “Huh. That’s interesting. I didn’t see it that way. Wow.” Now I’m going to get in her world. “I guess if I felt that you were always taking somebody else’s side against mine, I’d be pretty pissed too. I could see how that would really be charging.” Like, “That wasn’t my experience of that. Can you give me a few examples just so I can see?”
Now I’m diffusing. I’m getting inquisitive like a reporter, and I’m trying to get to the bottom. And what our objective here is, for Scott, or for you, for anybody, is to change the energy. First of all, make sure our wife feels safe. Odds are she’s not feeling safe in some way, shape, or form. Make sure she feels safe. We want to make sure she feels seen and heard. These are some of the basics that we always talk about, right? We’re taking out desire though right now. Make sure she feels seen and heard. And then really try to understand what the core issue really is.
In my experience, it’s not usually what you’re arguing about, right? Even if it’s an affair, it’s not the affair. It’s the hurt around the affair. The story. The “not good enough.” The affair sucks, don’t get me wrong, but it’s all the other stuff that comes along with an affair that causes such major issues.
Christopher Hansen 11:30
For her, I mean, you described perfectly kind of what the last 48 hours have been like. For me, in this situation, it was a pretty intense situation. For me, it was approaching it with gentleness. That's the shifting of the energy,, right? Just being very gentle in that. Starting with safety. Then absolutely, it was just being inquisitive, like just seeking to understand. Because I recognized in it, you said it yourself, like, the intent is not for me to hurt my wife in this in any way. I also recognized, like, how from her lens, what her perception of all of this is. And at the end of the day, when we really sat down, we were able to work through it and just continue to seek understanding. It came back to abandonment. For her, she felt like she was going to be abandoned.
Doug Holt 12:25
I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling, and let's be real, every marriage struggles at some point, but yours is struggling where you've lost that love, admiration, respect, I want to help you. I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. In here, I've distilled over eight years of programs that we've developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it. There's no fluff, no BS. It's an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it. Look, all I ask is you pay the postage. You pay the shipping. I'll buy the book for you. That way, you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.
Christopher Hansen 13:19
The conversation led to some childhood stuff, I mean, things that she's been carrying long before she knew me. And it was like, okay, cool, let's sit in that. And it really ended, say “ended,” but was processed, with her in my arms, feeling very safe, just surrounded by solid masculine energy, and she was able to let some of that go., So, it was a wonderful experience. And as I shared with you, we ended up going out last night. We went to a concert in Bend and just had a spectacular night where,, I mean, you know, 24 hours before, it was like, you know, really, we were in a really difficult situation. So, I just wanted to share that, that that resonated with me, just in my current situation.
Doug Holt 14:11
Well, I think that's great, man. I love the fact that you, like me, are willing to share the truths in our relationship so it helps other people, right? I mean, that was a deal I had with my wife early on when I was approached by other people at TPM for being the face of this program, The Activation Method. I sat down with my wife and said, “Hey, like, you know, we do this covertly, like we've been helping men do this for a long time. Are you okay with me talking about our marriage and things that go on?” And right away she said, “Hey, absolutely no problem if you talk about anything you think is going to help people, as long as you're not doing it from a place of putting me down.” Right? And that was her only request, which was easy, because I don't deliberately try to put her down. But, so I celebrate you guys for doing something similar.
Christopher Hansen 15:04
, thanks, man. I appreciate that., it's, I mean, you know, the tools that I've learned being here at TPM over the last almost three years, two and a half maybe, I mean, those are the tools that I'm applying in those situations, right? I mean, those are all things that I've learned since I've been here and doing this work on a deeper level. So thank you.
Doug Holt 15:27
, I'm happy doing that. Awesome. Do you have any other questions?
Christopher Hansen 15:30
, we can jump into another one., this is a good one. So this comes from John again in the TPM app: “How do we turn mundane, everyday tasks into opportunities for intimacy or to be the CFO? Cooking dinner is the activity that comes to mind for me.”
Doug Holt 15:50
I love this. So it's so funny. I was talking to Phil Madden right before we got here. Phil, for those that don't know: one, he's a graduate of our programs; two, he runs our events, just a phenomenal man, as you know. And when we were talking about podcasts and things like that, as you know, I'm recording the audio version of the book that's on Amazon, A Man's Guide to How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It, which I'm finding difficult to do. Quite frankly, I like talking to people, not at a screen like I'm reading a book. I'd rather tell a story.
But so guys, apologize in advance. If you pick up that audio version, it's me reading it, which is what an audiobook is, I guess. So, you know, I read kids' stories, that's about as far as I go.
So with him, we were talking about, he's like, ", I used to dread mowing the lawn. Used to hate it. But now I look forward to it because I put earbuds in and I listen to podcasts and audiobooks." And that reminds me of what's being asked here, right? So it's a paradigm shift. How do you shift those things?
I used to hate doing dishes and cleaning and that kind of stuff. I think a lot of us don't necessarily enjoy that. So what I do is, and my wife does too, is I bring all the family in after dinner, and I crank up, we have a Sonos sound system, so I crank up the speakers in the whole entire house, playing fun music, and we dance around. And I'll sing to my kids some of the lyrics. It's my playlist, so I know the songs for the most part, and it becomes a fun thing.
My wife's thing is about our family being together, right? So my wife now sees me leading this, making it fun. Doing now something I enjoy, kind of like Phil mowing the lawn, or I don't enjoy, is now something I'm enjoying. Like, I'm dancing around. And I'm not a great dancer, by any means, but I have fun, and we're doing those things.
So I'll actually grab my wife, maybe twirl her around in the kitchen. Kids are seeing me dance, now they want me to twirl them around. You know, my kids are five and eight. And so it becomes a fun experience that is leading my family that also is a turn-on for my wife, I know that.
So not only am I turning it into a CFO moment, right, but I'm also turning it into basically flirting, as far as she's concerned. It's a moment of intimacy. She's seeing me as an awesome husband, as a fun guy, as someone who's being light. We're lessening the burden on her, because my wife and I have more of a, I guess, a traditional marriage, if you will. Where I work full-time, she works, she coaches women, but I do most of the working. She takes care of the home, if you will.
So that's one example of how you can do it: change a paradigm. And as you know, just as well as anybody, it's all about energy, like, what energy are you bringing to the table? And if you talk to any woman in the world, they'll say the same thing: it's all about energy. For women, it's very energetic, how they feel.
So that's one example of a mundane task, especially around dinner, that we'll do. Something else, right? So my wife and I were doing a little gardening, you know, and we don't have a great garden or anything, we're here in Central Oregon, hard to grow things, but I'll make little comments to her like, "Dang, when you bend over to get those plants, I don't know how much longer I'm gonna hold out." And I'll chuckle and I'll walk away, and she blushes, right? It's a cute little thing, you know?
She's feeling seen and desired at that point, yeah? And I'll make these little comments like, "I think we need to put the kids on a show," you know? If you know what I mean,, we don't have a babysitter. So like a lot of people, when we want to be intimate, we lock the door and say, "Kids, you can watch Netflix. You get an hour of a show. Mom and Dad are taking a nap."
So I'll do those things before, to kind of warm up the waters, making it fun.
And then the other day, my wife was outside with the kids, and so I was like, okay, what can I do? I was inside working, right? So sometimes I work, like a lot of guys, you know, as a business owner, I work on weekends for a few hours here and there. And I was working on something for a client, and I saw my wife and the kids were outside. It seemed like a little serious tone or nothing big, but kind of serious.
So I went and loaded one of their squirt guns up with water, and then I came around the corner and just, boom, just started nailing them. Got my wife a little wet, but not much, because she started yelling at me. And I started soaking the kids. They're screaming, everybody's laughing, and it's just a moment.
And then, because my wife was like, "Don't get me wet," you know, I just grabbed her and pulled her in, you know, and just started laughing and giggling with her. And it turned that into a fun little surprise.
So those, I think really what it is, and I know for me, I forgot how to have fun. For many years, I really forgot how to have light fun like that. So I almost needed somebody else to initiate the fun, and then I would be childlike, yeah?
So now I look for those ways to do so, look for those ways to be the CFO, to add it. And for me, by far, turning up some good music and dancing and singing and making it light and maybe tossing something at somebody as a joke really lightens the mood and allows the CFO to turn on easily.
Christopher Hansen 20:58
, I love that. I mean, that's something that actually came up in the conversations my wife and I had last night, of just leaning into fun. Like, her entire mantra right now in life is like, "I've done all the hard work. I just want to have fun," at this point. And it's something I've struggled with as well. I have moments of it, but it can be tough to be very intentional about that, right?
So, that's actually really, really helpful, just those two examples of like, oh, just do this thing. Anytime there's music on in my house, whether I put it on or my wife, the energy is so much better in the house. And, you know, the kids are moving and happy, and it's just not stagnant. It's not stale. So I'm taking that home with me. So I appreciate that.
Doug Holt 21:45
Awesome, man., I think it's also good to remember that most of our guys are business leaders. And if you were like, "Hey Doug, let's hang out and have a beer," what I'm gonna want to talk about is business.
Like, if you let me control the conversation, I'd be like, "What are you interested in business?" Like, I love talking about business. My wife, not so much. My kids, could care less, you know?
So I used to, well, not always, often talk about business with my wife and my kids a little bit, but they couldn't comprehend it. But sometimes I wanted them to get into entrepreneurism or see where they’re at energetically. And I think that's a big mistake a lot of business guys make.
You know, your wife wants to know about your day. She doesn't want to know about your business day. Like, she doesn't need to know again. She wants to know how Chris is doing, or how Colton, who's producing this, is doing right now, and what's going on in their lives. She's not as concerned about the business part of this stuff. It's just not who she is, yeah?
And I think a lot of us, we've got to remember to meet them where they are. And in the great words of the philosopher Cyndi Lauper: "Girls just want to have fun."
Christopher Hansen 22:53
"Girls just want to have fun.", 100%. That's so funny you say that. I'll bring this up, I make music from time to time, and it's just kind of a side, you know, hobby, right? Don't do it a lot. But one of the songs that I made for my wife a couple of years ago was a remix of that exact song.
Doug Holt 23:16
Kind of true, man. I mean, remember how, and this was for all guys out there, too, and myself, remember how we used to make dates fun when you were courting your wife? When I was courting my wife, I was fun. Like, I knew what all events were going on. I was in Santa Barbara. I was like, "Hey, let's go beach volleyball, then we're gonna go hiking, and then we're gonna go do this wine tasting at night." It was like a series of adventures and experiences, yeah?
But now we got kids. We're traveling. So a lot of times, we're at home, right? Come home, you know, 4 o'clock is usually when I stop to be with the kids. Well, now we're with the kids, we're in a rhythm, okay? Dinner starts getting prepped around five. Five to six, we're eating. You know, between six and seven is quality family time. Seven o'clock, we start putting our kids down for bed. We spend a long time with our kids putting them down. So now we're looking at 8, 8:30, right? And I get up at 4:30 in the morning. So we're whittling down time pretty quickly, and it's a pretty predictable schedule with kids.
And so you gotta find those little moments of planned experiences within there. So if you're with your kids, guys, grab poster board if you can, or a Post-it note and write a little love note to your wife. Every once in a while, my wife and I leave a little love note on the coffee maker or someplace else, like a cup.
You know, my love sign, love language, is acts of service. So my wife, it's not hers, but she knows that. So she'll be on a Zoom call or something, she'll bring me down breakfast or bring me down coffee. She'll go get a coffee for me. Hers is quality time. That's not mine, right? But I'll go sit with her outside and just be with her, and to her, that's cup-filling. But we do those little things, knowing, you know, you have to be conscious about it, right? Because you have to realize that, hey, my love language isn't hers, but I love her, so I'm going to meet her where she's at.
Christopher Hansen 25:09
Yep,, absolutely,, My mantra in life right now is: in every moment, how am I pouring into my wife and my kids? Like, that’s just the space that I’m in., for me, it feels like that’s just a great space to be.
Doug Holt 25:23
It is, man, it is. Well, dude, thanks for all you do, man. And I know you're taking a lot of calls from the men who are inquiring about the movement, and most of these guys aren't in a great place. Some are in good places, but they're, you know, as we say at TPM, don't settle for average. So thank you., thank you.
Gentlemen, thanks for the questions. Man, like I said, recording an audiobook, it's so hard for me as a person to read a book to a camera or read a book to a computer screen, quite frankly, so getting these questions helps, right? I love what I do. I love coaching. I've been doing it for two decades now, and it's absolutely my thing. It's what I think I'm here for. So please keep those questions coming in. I hope they're helpful. And I'd like to do more. We'll be doing more Q&A's in the app, in the TPM app.
If you're interested in how to get into the TPM app, we do have a bunch of private channels that we can't get you in, but there is a general channel that's out there. There's also a channel for the book. So if you do pick up a copy of the book A Man's Guide to How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It, you will get access to part of the app. It's on the iPhone, it's on Android, it's on web. It's easy to get to.
And if you just want to get into the app and you're trying to figure out how, or if you have more questions, email vip@thepowerfulman.com. That's Very Important Person, because that's you, @thepowerfulman.com. And Chris or one of our other advisors will pick that up and get you in the right direction. As I always say, in the moment of insight, Take massive action. Tell I'm not reading right? In the moment of insight, take massive action. Keep those questions coming in. Be the CFO. And again, you deserve more than average.