Episode #1042
In this episode, Doug and Chris answer real questions from men dealing with the silent drift in their relationships. One guy’s wife hides her phone and avoids conversation. Another gets shot down every time he tries to initiate intimacy. Sound familiar?
They talk about why therapy often leaves couples stuck in the past and how most men unknowingly fall into the “nice guy” trap trying to fix things by being extra helpful, only to lose polarity and respect in the process.
You’ll hear coaching insights around what to do when your wife feels more connected to her phone than to you, and how to take action without coming off as needy or overbearing. This isn’t about chasing or begging. It’s about showing up in a grounded, confident way that actually shifts the dynamic.
If you’ve been asking yourself, “Why does she feel so distant?” or “How do I make a move without risking rejection again?” this conversation is for you.
If you're ready to get a clear plan for how to reconnect with your wife and turn things around without more painful talks or guessing what to do next, get the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. It's direct, simple to follow, and built for men who want to lead with confidence again.
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Doug Holt 0:00
That is like looking in the rearview mirror trying to drive forward. All you're doing is bringing up the problems of the past.
Christopher Hansen 0:07
I love the tagline just be more interesting than Instagram. It’s a great mantra to carry around with you everywhere you go.
Doug Holt 0:14
I felt like I was crushing it everywhere else in life, and for some reason, the one area that mattered most which was the marriage wasn’t working as well. You go execute this game plan, and you’ll be able to change things in your relationship without having to sit there on the couch and talk about it.
Doug Holt 0:41
Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. Once again, we’re gonna do a Q&A where we’re taking your questions, and I’m gonna do my best to answer them. And once again, we’re joined by Christopher Hansen. Chris, thanks for being here, man.
Christopher Hansen 0:55
Yep, of course. Hey, Doug.
Doug Holt 0:56
Let’s keep these questions going. I know you got a lot in there let’s do as many as we can for the time we have.
Christopher Hansen 0:59
Cool. So this question is from Chris, a 36-year-old entrepreneur from Florida. He says:
“Doug, I’ve done the therapy thing, and all it did was drag us through every mistake we’ve ever made and made my wife and me even angrier with each other. Let’s be honest
Isn’t coaching just therapy dressed up in a cooler outfit? Why would your program be any different?”
Doug Holt 1:32
Great question. I love that. If you’ve ever seen me dress, it’s not going to be cooler. First and foremost fashion is not my thing. I grew up in Southern California, so shorts, T-shirts, sandals that’s my dress code. Even now, I’m wearing sandals. So great question. Look, you’re 36, so first of all I did therapy as well. My wife and I did marriage counseling. We did premarital counseling, and then two different counselors for marital counseling.
And it was the same thing, right? We’d go into counseling actually doing okay. I remember one time specifically and I told this story in my book we walk into the counselor’s office, sit down on that little couch, and this time I got a male counselor because the female one… that didn’t go well. We were actually doing well. We had dinner reservations at a nice restaurant in town, in Santa Barbara restaurant called Opal. If you guys have ever been to Santa Barbara I used to have a business right next door, so I knew the owners, which was great.
Anyway, we digress. We sit down. We walk out of that counseling session pissed at each other. Like, you know that silent car ride where neither of you are talking? So we open the door, walk out through the reception area, and sitting there on the couch is another business owner from Santa Barbara with his wife. We catch eyes and just start cracking up. I walk by, say, “Good luck.” That didn’t go over well either, as you can probably imagine. So now we go out to dinner and now we’re that couple in the restaurant. Again, I know the owners, I know the patrons. Usually, I’d go out and talk to people or people would come to the table.
No one comes to the table. Everybody can tell we’re sitting across from each other, not even looking at each other. So, to answer Chris’ question therapy, or more specifically, marriage counseling, is like looking in the rearview mirror trying to drive forward. All you’re doing is bringing up the problems of the past. Now, it’s good to acknowledge the problems and have a clearing conversation so both people feel seen and understood that’s super important. We do that with what we call Clean Slate Method. Ideally, that’s done one time. Boom. You’re done with that. It takes some involvement to get there.
What we do and I can’t speak for other coaching programs, though I used to own another coaching company before TPM existed but what we do at TPM is give men the tools to drive the relationship forward, not backward. When they screw up, they clean it up and they do it quickly. Then they’re not constantly looking in the rearview mirror. That’s the problem with marriage counseling. We’ve had marriage counselors go through our program. A lot of people who’ve bought my book have been marriage counselors. They’ll send me messages like, “Man, we were never taught this. Where did you learn it?”
Again, I outline the basics in the book it’s on Amazon: A Man’s Guide to How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. That’s the difference. So, I don’t know if it’s “cooler,” but man, I went through this. I spent five years or so trying to figure it out reading every book I could, attending sessions, meeting therapists. I did business coaching back then, Chris I was consulting guys, helping them with their businesses and I’d say, “Hey, can you help me with my marriage? I don’t know what’s going on.”
I felt like I was crushing it everywhere else in life, and for some reason, the one area that mattered most which was the marriage wasn’t working as well. And it bled into everything. Man, when my wife and I would fight and be distant and cold I don’t know if you guys have ever had that experience, but I have I’d think about it tomorrow at work and the next day. I’d think, “I don’t want to go home. I’d rather go out. But if I go out, she’s gonna get mad. It’s gonna get worse. So I’ll just suck it up, bite my tongue.”
And that makes it worse, because she can feel the distance and disconnect. She’s yearning for connection, but both of you are distant and that chasm between you grows further and further apart. Where coaching is different and I can only speak for TPM is it’s about how to improve. It’s not, “Hey, let’s go look at that past action.” It’s not, “Let’s talk about the affair,” or “Let’s rehash the distance,” or “Let’s go over how you were being a nice guy.” It’s, “Let’s clean it up. Draw a line in the sand. This is Marriage 2.0.”
Here’s how we create it and we don’t create it by talking about it. That’s not what we do. We create it through action. We’re men of action, right? We start with an Alpha Rise and Shine a morning routine. And for most guys, that changes a lot of things. She’s like, “What the heck? What are you doing differently now? You’re taking care of yourself. You’re being commanding.” And we’re teaching the men, while they’re doing this, how to make their wives feel emotionally safe how to make their wives feel seen, heard, and desired again.
These are the processes we take men through during the program while they’re still doing their morning routines. So they start to get a little pep in their step. They start to get their mojo back. They’re not sitting down having these lengthy conversations on a couch with their wives, because their wives are going, “Hmm, this is looking good. This is feeling better.” And that’s what women want they want to feel better. So when the man starts leading leading himself first and he becomes born to his masculine again (and I define masculine as an energetic thing, not a “pound your chest, be a jerk” thing)…
You know, a lot of guys have that toxic masculinity view or maybe not men as much, but society does. It’s not that at all. It’s inner strength within yourself. Guys start to get a little of their mojo back, man and then they start to get more confident. Their wives feel it. She’s going, “Okay, what’s going on over there? I want to find out more.” Some guys turn their marriages around in week one we’ve seen it happen right away because she’s like, “Oh, he’s changing. Thank God. I’ve been waiting for this. Been praying.”
How many times have I heard, “I’ve been praying for this”? We even have a testimonial Colton, who does our production, and I drove to a couple’s house and just said, “Would you mind if I interviewed you?” One of them was right on the spot. And what the wife said was, “I’ve been praying for this for gosh, I can’t remember exactly but like a year. I’ve been praying every night for God to send something.” And what He sent was the TPM program, and it completely shifted their marriage.
You don’t have to take my word for it you can look at what real people are saying. Real wives are seeing results. And most of those people tried therapy first, because that’s what most guys think of. But therapy ends up being: “Let’s talk about why you’re wrong, Chris. Let’s talk about what you did wrong again. Last week we talked about what you did wrong with not being there for your wife when she was cleaning or handling things around the house. How’s that going?”
“Oh, well, Chris is doing better.” “All right, Chris, let’s talk about where you’re not doing well.” And it’s just constantly digging up where you’re not performing, rather than saying, “Hey, Chris, here’s how you get to perform in your own manner. Does this feel good to you? Does it sound good to you?” You’re like, “Yep, I like it.” “Cool. This is what I want you to do. Here’s your game plan. Go execute this game plan, and you’ll be able to change things in your relationship without having to sit there on the couch.”
Christopher Hansen 9:15
…and talk about it. For sure. I always look at therapy as really great, maybe at figuring out the why. Why did I end up where I’m at right now?
Doug Holt 9:25
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but also have a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re just toiling with things. That’s why I created a free training a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have but also how you get it back.
How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, “I do”? You know, I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales that’s thepowerfulman.com/scales and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Christopher Hansen 10:26
Which can be important, to understand like, it’s valid.
Doug Holt 10:29
Yep.
Christopher Hansen 10:30
But it’s not the thing that’s going to get you to where you want to be.
Doug Holt 10:35
We’ve had, I don’t know how many thousands of men go through our programs over the last eight years. A lot of those I know a lot of guys who have had help in therapy outside of their marriage. I can’t recall one man who said, “Marriage therapy was the key for me.” And it’s fair to say, “Well, you guys run a program for relationships,” sure but we have other programs where men come in whose marriages are actually good, or they’re working on something else. And even those guys don’t say, “My marriage was bad at one time, and I did marriage therapy with my wife, and that’s what got it better.” I don’t hear that.
Christopher Hansen 11:13
Makes sense.
Doug Holt 11:14
Awesome. We have time for another one?
Christopher Hansen 11:17
I think so. So this one’s from Paul. Paul is a CEO in London so across the pond over there with Tim. Paul says: “My wife is constantly on her phone. I walk into the room and she hides the screen. She says it’s nothing, but I know something’s going on. Even if it’s not another guy, the fact that she’d rather scroll than talk to me is a gut punch. How do I compete with that?”
Doug Holt 11:50
I’ll give you a short answer, Paul. It’s actually closer to Phil, I think but be more interesting than Instagram. Be more interesting to her than what’s on the screen. If she’s putting her phone down quickly, and your gut is telling you something’s wrong, you’re right. You know that’s just a gut instinct. We’re given that gut instinct for a reason by the universe, our Creator, God whatever you want to say.
But when I hear these stories from guys and again, I have so many reps of this I can tell you where that story leads nine times out of ten. Right now, Paul may never find out the full answer and I don’t know if he necessarily needs to find it out but he does need to change his behaviors. Because what it’s telling me is she’s bored. She’s bored of Paul, and she’s bored of her life or her situation.
So he gets to switch it up. There are a lot of ways to do this. We have a free thing on how to plan the perfect date night. If you email VIP@thepowerfulman.com and put “Date Night” or “Give me the free date night,” it’s an ebook/PDF. You guys know the deal. It gives you an idea on how to plan a date night how to take her out, take her on a date. So what would it look like if you walk in the room, she puts her phone down, and you say, “You know what? Go get a dress on we’re going to dinner.”
And she might say no and you say, “Nope, we’re going.” Obviously, you’re not going to physically force her, but be commanding. Paul probably doesn’t do this, so it’s going to startle her. She might have some pushback, or she might get really excited. Go and plan a good date night with her. Talk to her. See what’s going on in her world. You see, Chris, what happens for a lot of guys how many years have you been married?
Christopher Hansen 13:15
Twelve.
Doug Holt 13:16
So you’ve been married for twelve years. Are you the same man that married your wife?
Christopher Hansen 13:19
Absolutely not.
Doug Holt 13:20
Exactly. So the problem is most men think their wife is the same woman they married, and they forget that she’s changed. Your wife has absolutely. And most women do. Most men do too. But we forget. So they stop asking stop finding out what books she’s reading, what she’s into, what’s going on in her world. Especially as women get older society doesn’t treat women very well as they age, and so there’s a lot of stuff that gets dumped upon them.
So he gets to find out and plan something interesting on that date night. We did a podcast with another Chris Andreessen who runs the Navigate program for us, and he had a great line: “Dinner is not a date. Dinner is dinner.” Taking your wife out to dinner is not the date. You can make dinner the date by what you do around it, but make it an experience make it exciting. And then he’s got to get activated, because I can tell he’s not.
Activated is kind of like unplugging stop being the nice guy, stop being the DEER. Because what’s going to happen here is, I know it feels like a gut punch, Paul, but what’s going to happen is you’re going to start to resent her. You’re going to start to try to get her attention in needy ways that are less attractive, and all she’s going to do is go into another room. My guess is his wife is in the bathroom a lot and for a long time.
Guess what she’s doing in the bathroom? She’s chatting with somebody, or she’s scrolling, or doing whatever she’s doing but she doesn’t want you to see. I hear this from men all the time when they find out their wife is having an emotional affair. I’ll ask, “Hey, does she spend a lot of time in the bathroom?” They’ll say, “Oh… actually, come to think of it, she does.” “Okay, when you walk in the room, does she put her phone down?” “Does she ever get up and go into another room?”
Okay, there you go. That’s three signs I typically see that point to some kind of emotional affair going on. And it sucks, man. I feel bad for Paul. Because, you know, I also hear that you can watch your wife walking around the room singing a song. It could be a love song or a sexual song, and you know it’s not about you. You know she’s thinking about somebody else. So it’s friggin’ tough, man. Really, really tough. I think that’s how you start. Start with date night. Start being commanding. Don’t mention the phone just be you. And if you’re having a hard time figuring out how to be that version of you get help.
Christopher Hansen 16:08
Yep. I love the tagline just be more interesting than Instagram. It’s a great mantra to carry around with you everywhere you go.
Doug Holt 16:17
Sure. No I could use that reminder a lot of times.
Christopher Hansen 16:20
For sure. Awesome.
Doug Holt 16:22
You have time for one more?
Christopher Hansen 16:23
Let’s do it.
Doug Holt 16:25
I love these questions you guys are sending in. Thanks for curating these, by the way.
Christopher Hansen 16:28
Of course. Okay, so this is from James, who’s a 41-year-old software engineer in Toronto. “Wow. My wife flat out rejected me last week when I tried to initiate sex. She said, ‘Stop. I don’t want to.’ That stung. How do I make a move without feeling like I’m at risk for humiliation every time I initiate sex?”
Doug Holt 16:59
It sucks, man. Getting rejected sucks, period. And so, if you’re getting rejected a lot, it’s not a health thing, most likely. It’s very similar to, I think, what we talked about with Mark in the last podcast. Yep there’s probably a lack of polarity there, and she doesn’t feel safe. Those are the first two underlying things. So okay, how do you bring polarity back? Well, you first have to have trust and safety in there for her. Trust your polarity. Trust that you’re going to do the things you say you’re going to do.
So when I talk about the trust part, there may not have been a gross trust violation like an affair or abuse but a lot of times it’s the little things. You’re just not doing the things you say you’re going to do. “Hey, you know what? Tomorrow I’m going to go work out.” And you don’t.
Or, “I’m going to take The Activation Method.” And you don’t. Whatever else it may be, it could be a hundred little things, and eventually she’s like, “Well, he doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do. He has no integrity. I can’t trust him.”
And it could be the fact that you’ve just slipped into being a nice guy. Now she feels like she’s got a Labrador Retriever or another kid in the house not a man. And unfortunately, or fortunately for us, she wants a man. What’s weird is our society teaches men to be nice guys to bite your tongue, toe the line, keep the peace, don’t say anything, don’t ruffle feathers. Just go along to get along. And that’s not what our women want. They don’t want that version of us.
There might be a time and place for that, but they don’t want that in their marriage not with the person they want to have hot, kinky sex with. I believe, Chris, that women are more sexual than men. I hear the stories. When I owned my gym I owned two locations, two different facilities. I moved once, but it was one business. I always had an upstairs office because I ran other companies, and it was more cost-effective to have them in the same place.
But I could hear through the vents not that I was eavesdropping, but you could just hear. We had other workers up there too, but you’d hear the women because it was a private training facility and you’d hear these moms and these other women talking. And they talked nasty way dirtier than the guys talked. Women are looking for this. Look at Fifty Shades of Grey, guys. Whatever you’re doing right now, if you haven’t done it, go Google how many copies Fifty Shades of Grey sold.
Okay, I’m going to guess that 98% of those copies were read by women. And that book is about not a passive woman, but a normal woman who runs into a dominant, fierce, strong man. And this man takes her he’s very masculine. Do you think this is possibly what women are fantasizing about? Do you think this is possibly what your wife wants? 100%. It definitely is. Yes, I talk about this a lot, Chris. I look at whatever the Amazon bestsellers or the New York Times bestsellers are in fiction.
It’s not usually number one, but if you go down the list, there’s always a story basically a novel in there. And what I like to do is use ChatGPT or something to get a quick summary and find out if there’s a romance angle in there, because I want to stay on top of those things. And most of the time, there is and most of the time, that’s the dynamic. There was one recently where this woman ends up falling in love with this kind of crude rancher-type guy almost like Jim Dutton in Yellowstone, right? You look at that, and there’s a reason these characters are so prominent.
But yet, at home, we bite our tongues to keep the peace. You know, “She’s gonna get mad at me,” or “She’s not happy, I’ll try to make her happy.” You don’t make her happy. You take care of yourself. You get the skills. What you do is make her safe emotionally safe. That is your role. You’re a provider and a protector, and men get that but what they don’t get is that the protector part is also emotional protection.
Christopher Hansen 21:13
Yep.
Doug Holt 21:14
And so, when you don’t provide that emotional protection, you’re not getting you’re not getting nookie.
Christopher Hansen 21:18
For sure.
Doug Holt 21:19
Awesome. Well, thanks for getting the questions again, man. I’d love to keep these going and keep people coming in.
Christopher Hansen 21:19
For sure. I’ve got several collected here, so we’ll just keep them going.
Doug Holt 21:24
Sounds great. Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Thank you to you guys who took massive action sending in your questions. There are two places we collect these questions from now. If you’re active and have been involved in any of our programs alumni or otherwise you probably have access to the TPM app, either on your iOS device (your iPhone) or your other phone… whatever the Google phone is called haven’t had one of those for a long time Android, that’s what it is.
Either way, you have the app. Go into the app and you can ask a question in there. Say, “Hey, I have a question for the podcast. I’d love to get this answered.” Chris and the rest of the team can curate those. Chris is one of our advisors great guy. If you’re interested in our programs, Chris is potentially one of the men you’ll get to speak with, just answering questions about your specific situation. So great job. The second place you can submit questions is by emailing your question to VIP@thepowerfulman.com that’s Victor, India, Pennsylvania (let’s call it Pennsylvania) VIP@thepowerfulman.com. Just email your question in and we’ll do our best.
We get a lot of emails, as you can imagine. We’ve had over a million downloads of the podcast, over 1,000 episodes we get a lot. We do our best to sort through them, but you can also book a call with one of our advisors and talk to them directly. That’s absolutely free. We do have a qualification process, but hey, those guys who did send these in you took massive action. Way to go. Now keep that momentum rolling. You’ve got to keep the momentum rolling in order to get where you want to go. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.