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Episode #1031
Feeling stuck trying to figure out your purpose or what’s next? You’re not alone. In this episode, we dive into the real-life tension that comes when your work no longer feels aligned, but walking away from it all doesn’t feel right either.
Doug sits down with Austin and Alan at the TPM Ranch to talk about the difference between obsessive and harmonious passion, why so many men chase identity through career, and what it really looks like to find purpose that fits the life you want.
You’ll hear how both men wrestled with their own questions around passion, family, and fulfillment and how small mindset shifts helped them see what they were missing. It’s a reminder that you don’t need to blow everything up to build a life that feels meaningful. Sometimes, it’s about reconnecting to what actually matters to you and getting honest about what’s in the way.
They also share stories, practical tools, and real conversations on how to reconnect with what brings you joy. Whether you need a full career shift or just a spark in your current role, this conversation will help you stop spinning your wheels and start getting clear.
If your marriage feels off and you don’t know where to start, watch the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. You’ll get a clear breakdown of what’s missing and how to fix it. No guesswork. Just a step-by-step process that works.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
One thing I found when helping people find their purpose is one thing that some people needed to do was just refine the joy in what they were doing, right? And maybe it wasn’t necessarily a shift in careers some people, some people was most people wanted that shift in careers. But I would say it’s like a 6040, which is pretty close, right? About 40% of them just needed to refine that spark or a shift within their current career.
Doug Holt 0:37
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. We are still at the TPM Ranch, once again, bringing you to TPM legends here. This is the final day. Little sad honestly to see these men leave. They’ve been big, big players in my heart for a long time, and they’ve been lighthouses shining throughout the moat the movement, and we’re going to tap into their intelligence and their wisdom today. Guys, thanks for being here
Allan 1:05
thanks for having us.
Doug Holt 1:11
How has the event been so far? For you guys, here we are. I mean, it’s gone fast for me. I don’t know about you guys, how’s it been?
Allan 1:17
Word I don’t use a lot, is epic, because so I feel like it takes and it feel like it’s got to be something extraordinary for trip to be epic. But that’s one way to put it. It was beyond my expectations. I didn’t have high expectations coming into it, but it was far beyond my expectations.
Austin 1:37
Awesome. I think I had a big breakthrough. So for me, I would say epic as well. I mean, it’s just, you know, it wasn’t like we did a ton of deep work, like I’ve done on other trips with TPM. This was just like one pretty powerful day, and I got what I was looking for, and also got to have a lot of fun with a lot of great dudes, a lot of familiar faces that you don’t see very often to come to this ranch is, like, it’s really special, you know, and there’s a lot of just good energy here. And just like every time I come, it’s just, you know, a good shift in the right way. So it’s a special place, man, what you’ve built is really cool.
Doug Holt 2:16
Thanks, bud. Thanks guys. It’s been awesome for me. It’s come and gone, like I said, and sad, but happy. It’s a juxtaposition, sure, of being happy and also sad to see you guys leave and keep trying to sell all of you guys moving here, but for selfish reasons, Austin, you had a topic. We you just said, Hey, look, I got something I want to want to share. Let’s have a conversation
Austin 2:37
About it. actually, I’ve had the pleasure of rooming with Alan all week. And, you know, I’ve never met him prior to this trip. Kind of knew of him, so it’s pretty special to get to share a room with him and just in conversations with them, kind of hearing his journey throughout the week. You know, one thing he’s, you know, not necessarily, he’s struggling with her, that this is the reason, like it was one thing that I was struggling with too, which is passion. You know, which is passion, you know, passion for what you do and how you tie your passions and your vision and your family and all those things together so that you’re, you know, aligned. And I read an article by Sahil bloom, who’s written a book similar to the five territories, which is super cool, resonated with it. And he talks about basically obsessive passion, which a lot of men, I think, have, it’s very easy, and it’s kind of this extrinsic type of a passion, where it’s about your identity being tied to what you do in your career, and then there’s this harmonious passion that is more intrinsic, that is tied to who you really are as a person, what your values are and what you stand for. And I’ve done a lot of work on what my values are, what I stand for as a person, and I’ve also been on the obsessive type path, and this weekend, I felt a shift more to the harmonious path, and that was really cool for me to even read that the same morning that I’m feeling this type of way, you know, and that’s just like it tied it together for me. Okay? And so the extrinsic versus intrinsic, obsessive passion versus harmonious passion. And one thing that he was struggling with is, kind of, what is he passionate about?
Doug Holt 4:19
So you want to digest Alan today.
Austin 4:20
I think just passion in general, for a lot of men would struggle with that. You know, they are extrinsic with their identity.
Doug Holt 4:29
So before TPM, I had my own coaching business, and I was running that, two of them actually, and one of the things I got known for, I’m sharing this, I’ll give you the context, was helping people who are already successful find their purpose, right? Was as much passion as people were coming to me, trying to find their purpose. And kind of the shortcut to this was the roadblock that I found most people, men and women, because the time I coached women too, was that people thought their purpose. This or the passion, had to be like the one thing for the rest of their life. And I found that, you know, working with people over a long period of time, there was this continuum that most all of them had this idea that I got to find that thing I got. I’m at this job, I’ve made a lot of money or been successful, but I got to find my purpose. Why am I here? And in looking for that one thing. And I don’t know if you guys resonate with this at all, it almost blocked. What did it block them? Right? And to me, and I’ll tie it into those two things, I never heard that before. Harmonious versus obsessive. Obsessive. Thank you to me, a purpose could be for a moment, for a week, for a year, for a lifetime. You don’t know, unless you start pursuing something. And that was the biggest roadblock for a lot of people, finding that passion is they were, they were. They made it so big, it was such an enormous thing that it’s that that was the part was kind of like, if you have, you know, guy that’s 400 pounds, and he should be 175 right? But he’s 400 pounds, and the idea of getting to 175 it just sounds like it’s just impossible. So he gets, it’s hard for him to even start. But if you’re like, hey man, let’s get you to 395 okay, that’s doable. I can do 395 Okay, great. Let’s get to 395 let’s do 390 or it starts to become you get the momentum going, and all of a sudden, hey, now 175 that’s reachable. I get that’s gonna be a couple years from now, but that’s gonna be reachable. You guys ever experienced anything like that?
Allan 6:40
Absolutely. No, you hit the nail on the head there. Because when I think about it for myself, it’s, how can I really almost say I have a huge menu in front of me, and they say, all right, pick this one meal. This one meal is going to determine where you’re going to go. And there’s so many things to choose from, and I you get overwhelmed. Sure you try to go left, try to go right, try to go straight, and it’s just, it’s too much, right?
Doug Holt 7:07
You want to make the right decision, right? that’s the key, you know, especially for men like you guys, you’re doing well, it’s not like, like, life’s bad. It’s just, you know, and because you’re so smart and so skilled. You do have that gigantic menu with, you know, three but it’s 300,000 main courses to choose from, and you’re like, Man, I gotta eat this meal the rest of my life. Okay? This one better be good, right? Going through there. And when you talked about obsession, obsessive passion versus harmonious passion. I love the fact that you found yourself leaning more towards the harmonious side. I wonder if you can get obsessive about the harmonious side, though, too, and combine those.
Austin 7:53
I think, when you, when you use it in the in a way like that, like just being obsessive about the heart finding harmony. I think that’s absolutely like, you know, like you go down this obsessive path that’s built around business and wealth and money and sometimes greed, which is kind of the, you know, the path of force, right? And then when you shift to more the harmonious path, I feel like that’s the path of surrender.
Doug Holt 8:18
I think it can be, for sure. I mean, you guys heard my vision. I shared it with you guys that I had years ago, right? Like I was so far from that thing, and here we are sitting in it, which is weird but beautiful at the same time, I have definitely found that when people chase money for a long period of time, there’s short sprints that we all go through for a long period of time. They feel hollow and empty inside. I’ve also found, for the most part, when people chase just doing what they doing what they love to do, but doing when they find what they love and mirror it with a need in the world, and they chase that and are responsible with the money. Then they tend to make more money in it and be, I guess, more in harmony, if you will.
Austin 9:08
have you heard of the ICA guy? Oh, I feel like it’s kind of like finding that harmony.
Doug Holt 9:14
Do you want to describe what the ikigai is for those listening?
Austin 9:18
So basically, it’s like, you know, it’s the intersection of four circles, you know, and the four circles represent, I think, what you love, or what you’re passionate about, what the world needs, what you can get paid for. And I’m struggling to remember the fourth one, but like, it’s, it’s that intersection of those four things that I think can kind of tie into this, this passion project that I think what a lot of people are looking for, and that exercise is hard to do, if you’ve never actually, like just put forth, you know, to go from that 400 to 395 I feel like the icky guy is trying to get to the 200 Yes, you know, or the 175 in your example. Like, quickly. And I think you there’s some other work that you can do before you would even do, like, doing a first draft of that, I think is a great idea, but it’s something that I think you need to revisit, you know, every six months to a year, and just continue to push forward into leaning into what is your passion, year on year. Because, like you said, it could be a week long could be a month long, quarter or year that you might be passionate about something, and your passions can change. For me, I have five passions that I know of. One is deep level of intimacy with my wife and with God and family, abundance of time, energy and money, first class experiences and adventure, leading a team and a family that vibe with my values. And then lastly is just innovating, you know, a construct the industry that I’m in which is construction. Those are five great things, by the way. I like that, and I’ve spent time doing that. And what I didn’t have until this week was kind of, it was a forceful, obsessive, kind of like, path towards more of the business side, And what I found this week was kind of the harmony in it all and how to tie it all together. Awesome. I love that. And that’s joy doing what brings me joy, and if it ain’t fun, if it ain’t worth doing,
Doug Holt 11:12
that’s true. I think a lot of guys don’t know how to fund anymore, right? I know I went through that. You know, if you’re shaking your head over
Allan 11:20
That was something that came to me this weekend, was I had a vision of my kids basically telling me that just go have fun. You know, you don’t always have to be the provider and focus on that as your main priority. Like, go have fun. Go enjoy yourself. And sometimes I forget to do that.
Doug Holt 11:37
And for those listening, when we did some deep, assisted vision work for an entire day, to say the least. And so both of you guys got some great messaging from that, something that might be helpful what I’ve been doing. I used to do this when I started my 20s. I was that weird friend that would email you and go, Hey, man, what are five things I’m really good at? What are five things I’m not good at, you know, or what? And if I was a character in the movie, who would I be? And I did that, like year after year, different people, sometimes the same people. And I started to see just a continuum of these people didn’t know each other necessarily. Then I started doing with people that were older than me, people that are like are mentors I respected, and I would ask them the same questions, and oftentimes it was, you know, what do you think I’m or my strengths? Basically, what do you think are my possible downfalls or weaknesses? And I love the idea, if I was a character in the movie, what movie would be and what character? And again, seeing that commonality started to go through. And one thing what was for me, but a lot of people said, is, you take complex things and make them simple so people can understand. I started looking back, it’s like, holy cow. Whether it be personal training, whether it be being Assistant Director of Education at a International Sports Science Association, I took like, complex exercise physiology and nutrition and broke it down simple for a guy like me to understand and teaching, right? You’re always in a teaching position of some sort, and I see how that just played out, right? But it also helped me direct when I was looking for my passion, like, why am I choosing these things? Every every career, everything job I’ve taken has been in the service of helping others be better. Was like, Okay, that’s interesting. What else am I interested in doing and bringing more to light in the world? And kind of the icky guy idea, I’m tempted to take my phone out and Google this, by the way, cool, and doing that just getting feedback. So maybe for you, Alan, just because you’re looking for this person, for this, you got a bunch of great guys here. It’s like, hey, look what? When you think of me, where the top three great things in the top three things you know that I could work on are blind spots, and that might help go, oh, there’s, here’s the 8020 in these inputs from friends and family. This is the direction I get to go through.
Austin 14:03
All right? So we have what you love, what the world needs, what you can be paid for, and then the fourth one is what you’re good at. There you go. And then obviously what you’re good at and what you love is passion, what you love, and the intersection of what the world needs is your mission. Then there’s vocation and profession. And then in the center is ikigai, so, and I’ve done that exercise a few times. I got mine up right now when you tell us yours. So at the center, I love automation, like automating things, systemizing things. I love coaching and education. I taught at a five year university in construction management for five years. So I’m looking at acquiring a coaching contractor, coaching business. I love an A player community, which is like having a team with similar values. I love construction and entrepreneurship. I love SAS and innovation, and I love a warrior Mindset.
Doug Holt 15:00
Love it, man. That’s why Austin, we’re bound by the pond. He’s talking about building this gigantic deck for us that’s great. Or walking around The Ranch house here at TPM going, Hey, you got that board up there needs to be fixed. And if you get a ladder and nail gun, I’ll take care of it.
Austin 15:16
I walk into any building and I start looking at like, the structure, and call it a construction boner.
Doug Holt 15:23
That’s a great thing, man, but that’s where your passion is, John, if we were to go through those with you, let’s go for them. Let’s do it right now.
Austin 15:31
all right. What are some things that you love?
Allan 15:34
I love to help others. I love teaching people. What I know coaching is another one that I really enjoy. I coach on a, you know, youth sports level. And I just, I love seeing the kids that aren’t the strongest develop the most. That brings me so much joy.
Austin 15:54
That’s like mentoring
Doug Holt 15:55
An underdog, like the underdog.
Allan 15:58
I do. I do. I like to see the weak guys, you know, get stronger.
Austin 16:02
Cool, and what do you think the world needs?
Allan 16:08
World Needs coaching. The world does need coaching,
Austin 16:10
So those things vibe, which can be part of your mission.
Doug Holt 16:16
Let him answer,
Austin 16:16
Sorry,
Allan 16:20
coaching, which is what comes up for me, is honesty, right? Which to your point when you’re saying, reach out to the other guys and ask them, like, what are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? And what do they see? Getting some of that honesty feedback from them can help me develop as well.
Doug Holt 16:40
I would even say the question for you might be, what is your honest experience of me? Right? Because you’re in a different position than I was, like, you sit next to Austin, you’re next to high performing men. But also have done the inner work year after year, peeling back the layers, like they’ll understand what that means. And you also have, guys are just going to be honest with you, right? I mean, what a blessing. You’re not going to just get the fluff and all the nice things. I mean, I think there are going to be all nice things about you, because it’s my experience of you. I appreciate that. And they’re, they’re not going to pull punches either, right? This is what you want to get as the outcome. These guys are going to work hard to get get you the right info. So you because data in gets data out, so if they give you fluff, you’re not going to get what you really need right. Fair enough. What’s the gap that you think the world has? Like when you think about your skills, that’s another question we haven’t got to yet. But like when you think of your skill sets and what you bring, whether it be coaching, I’ve seen you light up every time you talk about coaching the kids, by the way, like light up and kind of that underdog feel. But what do you think? What do you think? Where do you see gaps?
Allan 17:50
I guess, on the coaching topic, I see a push for so many coaches to or so many people to want others do what they’re doing, right, or to do it the way, the way they are doing it themselves, rather than the way that person may need it. I guess this is I can. I can dig a little bit, little bit deeper there,
Doug Holt 18:14
I think you want to definitely dig, On that one, your background is engineering, right? So as a background as an engineer, are you interested in so here’s another thing I didn’t share, though. Is one thing I found when helping people find their purpose, is one thing that some people needed to do was just refine the joy in what they were doing, right? And maybe it wasn’t necessarily a shift in careers. Some people, some people was, most people wanted that shift in careers. But I would say it’s like a 6040, which is pretty close, right? About 40% of them just needed to refine that spark or a shift within their current career. Do you have a sense of what that would be for you
Allan 18:58
Inside, I don’t feel like I’m the engineer, right? I don’t feel like that’s my passion. I know it’s not. It was just a career that I chose and went down, went down that route similar to what Austin does. I’ve always had a construction background, seeing bringing people’s visions to life like that brings me a lot of joy as well. I’ve done it for myself, taking something that was somebody would just demolish, and bring it back to life. Make a new vision of what I think. You know, you see this bathroom, right? It looks like it’s from the 70s. Okay, let’s, let’s bring it up, up to, you know, present time. But I do enjoy that. So I feel, I feel more of a pull in that direction, and I have strengths in that area as well.
Doug Holt 19:47
Okay, so that direction being just so I can define it, and I’m clear, and Austin’s clear, and everybody listening is, sure, that strength is in helping pull someone’s vision out of them, right? Mm. And then maybe polishing it up a little bit, sounds like even making it better, sure, right? Because I know for myself, we’re doing a remodel my house. I think I was telling you, Austin, this, I was telling us, telling us in the truck is, I don’t know, necessarily know what I want done to my house. I just know when I see it if it’s good, right? So I need, I need that guy to come up here and go, Well, you know, really, what this bathroom needs is, oh, that sounds amazing. I just, I have vision for everybody else’s stuff, but when it comes to that construction of my house, I have no idea, So that’s I would be that kind of person that you could come to and go, Hey, let’s take a look and solve this problem for you.
Allan 20:41
I find a lot of joy in that, to see someone light up. You know, some of the what you were saying. You were saying about me, like when you see another person light up, that that brings me joy. So, um, to your point, what the world needs is it’s more of that, right, bringing joy to to others and myself,
Doug Holt 20:54
Just in that niche. And I’m not saying this is it because, but that’s a designer, right, a designer with an engineering background, because usually got one or the other Right, right, right when we were as an example, when we were looking we we signed a contract with an architect. We had an architect show up to our house who, you know, was kind of like your typical suit architect. And then the next person we had was a designer come totally different energy, totally different vibes. Like, the designer had all these creative ideas the but the architect had all the structural like, I can do this stuff. Then we had a construction guy come in who had a totally different vibe. And it was almost like, like, Dude, can we just get a person that can have the vision and tell us how you like, to actually know how to do it? And one package
Austin 21:40
That’s that’s actually like I have a construction engineering background, so I’ve taken the design classes, the architectural classes, and just the general building classes. And that’s exactly like my strongest suit is being able to walk into a customer’s home and be able to speak architectural designer and builder, you know. And that’s like the one stop shop that people love, and then I provide them the service of bringing the vision.
Doug Holt 22:05
Hey guys, I just wanna share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only need to know what’s broken, but a step by step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it right, otherwise you’re gonna be toiling with things. That’s why I created a free training, a training that only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing, that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have to how you get it back. How do you retain that where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, I do. You know, I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, that feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you, simply go over to the powerful man.com. Forward slash scales. That’s the powerful man.com. Forward slash scales, and I have a free video training for you, you can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast
Austin 23:07
I Can show them the pictures, inspiration photos to start, and then basically taking a scan of their pro or their, you know, bathroom, in your case, taking it to a CAD model, having one of my designers, who I’ve, you know, got on staff now, and she’ll take it and make it look really pretty, and then I can take that with the proposal, a cost and a design to an end consumer, to the point where they’re like, this is exactly what I wanted take my money.
Doug Holt 23:31
Sweet guys, my house is 10 minute drive for jazz, off the truck
Austin 23:34
You know. But that’s what I’ve really connected with. Alan down too. Is like, how I got started in in that and what I’ve been able to build, and, you know, his, you know, engineering background, his construction background is similar to, you know, what I had, and I was doing the same thing. I was designing HVAC and plumbing systems. I was an engineer, and I felt the pull to do something different. So I feel like him and I being in the same room this weekend wasn’t, you know, wasn’t a coincidence.
Doug Holt 24:01
And you guys are both personalities are so different, right? I mean, you guys could be in the same town, have the same business, and one person would gravitate towards you, Austin, because your personality, one person would gravitate towards you because your personality. Alan, I think people miss that a lot, right? When people are looking not for their passion, but building a business. They don’t realize that people, you know, personality, has a lot to do with it. You know, my experience of you, one of my is, one is you’re incredibly hard working. You literally, I was in the mud, and you just, like, walk right into the mud, and hands in your mud. We’re working on a project during the first barn building. I’ll never forget it, right? I’m like, This guy is willing to get his hands dirty, like it was no one’s asking him to do anything, and he just kept going and going and going. You also have a huge heart, and you don’t need to be the center of attention. That’s just not your thing. You can be. You’re comfortable there, but you don’t need to be. It’s kind of this. You have a calm. Powerful energy about you, right? That reassures everybody else around you that they’re safe. They know Alan’s here, everything’s going to be good. You know, it is. It’s that very grounded, centered energy. Would you agree with that?
Austin 25:14
and I think when he opens up, he’s actually really funny. He’s hilarious,
Doug Holt 25:17
Actually says it like he was surprised, and he’s hilarious, and he’ll throw it right back at you pretty quickly. Very sharp minded.
Allan 25:29
Spot on, though. Spot on. I felt that when you said it, too. no. Personalities are very different. This, this guy is, you know, walk right into the kitchen with a shirt off, grab the box of syrup or whatever it is, and go to town snack, and I’m just, why don’t you have a shirt on? You know, that’s just me. We’re totally different people, but I love it about them too. You know, it’s sometimes I wish I was more extrovert.
Doug Holt 25:56
Austin gives us the permission to do that, right? He gives people the permission to be themselves more. That’s my experience of you. We’re just about Alan, though, but my experience of you is, you know, you give people the permission to have fun. You give people permission to be joyful and to laugh. You know, yesterday, when we were going through the visioning work and you started laughing, it just became a crescendo of everybody else going through that, and everybody else is going through different things on their own process, and you bring that, but you also, you know, you could be a gesture at one moment, and literally like that, you drop into something deep, which is this cool juxtaposition, you know, of a personalities that gets People go, Whoa. That guy’s interesting. He’s not just the guy in the locker room making jokes. He can be he has that ability, but he could also drop deep and talk about personal stuff. Whether I’ve heard you talking about your faith with people since we’ve been here, a very deep way. The love you have for your wife is second to none, right? And the passion you have and your team is amazing. But you also talk about business, you know, you and I’ve had a lot of talking about LTV and CAC and, you know, all these good things and investments. So you have both those shades, and both of you guys do it in just different shades, So I think the guys listening to this like because most guys are lost, trying to figure out what their next step is. And I think it’s a journey to figure it out. One of the things I think you got to do is try stuff that’s, you know, I’ll save you the six months of coaching. Let’s just try as much stuff as you can to see what sticks and what lights you up. And be Be careful not to say, hey, this thing’s fun for me, like it might be coaching your son. We were talking about that. Now I really enjoy this, therefore I should be a coach, right? I don’t think that’s true. I think sometimes you have to have just stuff you enjoy and keep that for yourself and not make that your full time gig. I think a lot of people fall into that.
Allan 27:59
I could see that
Austin 28:01
That’s a good point.
Doug Holt 28:02
So when you look at, you know, just to circle back to the beginning conversation, the book you’re reading, and I’m going to mess them up again,
Allan 28:11
Obsessive passion and harmonious passion
Doug Holt 28:14
I think obsessive passion, the way I would define it, comes naturally, right? Because it’s just something you’re interested in. And us as business guys, I think we can, we can go down that rabbit hole pretty quickly and get lost in it. And we get to remember why we’re doing what we’re doing. You know, a lot of men forget that they’re working so hard and making money for their family, and they forgot their family, right? And a lot of guys listening to this, that’s their situation. They put their heads down, they’ve worked their asses off, and they look up. They’re like, why am I not connected with my wife? Why am I not connected with my kids? And quite honestly, I’m just gonna call a spade a spade, so to speak, is they made it. It’s an excuse, right? They’re really working hard for themselves, and not they’re telling themselves a story about that. I think getting in harmony is getting conscious. What is it you want to do and what’s the outcome you want? You know, here’s a question for you, Alan, I’ll ask both you guys this. You’re both in your late 30s, if not mistaken, right?
Austin 29:20
Mid 30s.
Allan 29:22
Mid 30s,
Doug Holt 29:25
Say late, but okay, you’re both in your mid 30s. Wait, are you 35?
Allan 29:33
36 I guess I’m 36 I thought you’re both 36 so we’re midnight, late,
Doug Holt 29:40
Mid 30s, young bucks, let’s say you hit your 80s, right? You’re sitting on the porch. You’re over here at the The Ranch, sitting on the porch, reflecting about what’s most important to you, what comes up to you, what are you most proud of when you look back at your life?
Allan 29:58
The experiences that I’ve created? With my family, my kids, that that holds the most weight in my life, that’s that’s most important. We were leaving a basketball game the other day, and my little girl, she’s six, and she says, I just I just love my family. I don’t even need my crocs. I just love my family, and that’s all I want. And that had warmed my heart, because I tried to emphasize that with them, that stuff is just stuff, right? The experiences you have with your your family, your loved ones, your friends, is means the most. So that’s that’s probably what, what I would be thinking about and proud of the most to ensure that I had some of the best experiences of my life.
Doug Holt 30:44
I love that.
Austin 30:45
I’d say the same thing, the relationship and connection with my wife and my kids and extended family to friends and family, but like, first and foremost, it’s the wife and the kids. And I think it’s easy to say that, but it’s another thing to live it, you know. And I think that was the biggest breakthrough for me this this week, was, you know, I say these things, or I have them in a book or a wall, or, you know, it’s in my values, or it’s in my passions, but it’s like, you know, really living that out and making it, you know, like that harmonious passion for me is like blending everything so that I can live that out, you know, and be that example for my team, and inspire my team to have that, you know, relationship with their wives and their kids. Because, you know, if I’m just always doing the business thing and I’m not taking care of my health, or I’m not going out on date night, or I’m not, you know, taking my kids to jump at a trampoline park or do something fun like that’s when it really starts to eat at me, and I get agitated easily. And I think, you know, there’s a way to be in harmony, where I can still do and perform at a high level in business, but also be a high performing dad and a high performing husband too. And it just like, you know, taking the time to be intentional about that. And when I look back on my life, that’s what I want my wife and kids to be like, you know, he was awesome husband and an awesome dad?
Doug Holt 32:08
I think what you both get to do is define what that looks like. What an awesome husband, awesome dad is. What do epic memory or not? You didn’t say epic, but what do incredible memories look like? And that you start there, right? That’s then you build the other stuff around that, that core center. And what a lot of us do, and the guys listening to this, and myself included, is we try to fit that in to the business. We try to fit that into the daily life. Like, where’s those core memories gonna fit in? Where is okay? I’ll go on that trip when right or I’ll spend time with my daughter or my son or my kids or my friends when work is done, is, how do you incorporate that into how do you incorporate work and whatever you might be passionate about into that life? And Why can’t your family be your passion? I think a lot of people miss that, like, why can’t that be your purpose? And then you’re just fitting stuff around that. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think people think about purpose that would they think about? They think about work. right, but what if they don’t? What if figures like, hey, I need, I need to. I’ll get to figure out a means of making money to fund my passion to that’s just a vehicle, just like I need food to come in and nourish my body so I can do the things I want to do. And I think that’s especially in Western culture, that’s a problem, because we just associate all with work. And I also would encourage you not to necessarily. I would encourage you to get creative, right? Because being when I got into coaching, it wasn’t really a big thing. So if I would have told people sitting at the bar I got an idea, I’m going to take the top performing businessmen around the world, and I’m getting them all together, and I’m going to have them do experiential things, personal development, business development, and we’re going to talk about their families. People be like, You’re freaking nuts, dude, right? There’s and that’s probably true. I probably am at the same time, it worked, right? We developed something that I think is very magical and special, but we developed it around what our interests were. I mean, I know the men in TPM, here’s a secret guys listening. When you get on a call with an advisor, there is a box that they have to fill out that’s called the beer test. Does this man pass the beer test? And you guys all did? And why is that? Is it for economics? No, is it because we’re trying to make more money? No, is it? You know, it’s not the business model. It’s because when I’m looking at my passion and my purpose, I want to hang out with men and work with men that I enjoy being with, like you guys. And so when you’re looking for your purpose and passion, I. I would invite you to go back to that rocking chair and let that guy help you figure out what your purpose and passion is, not the 36 year old, late 30s guy that’s sitting here today. Does that make sense?
Allan 35:15
no, it absolutely does. It kind of gives more direction, rather than just sitting there with an empty notebook, trying to come up with ideas, right?
Doug Holt 35:24
start with the end in mind, right? So you know, when you’re 80 and you’re still coming to The Ranch, by the way, just making sure I throw that in the vision when you’re 80, what are those things, besides your kids, or what are the experiences you want to have? It’s great to have good experiences, but let’s get a little more grain like, hey, just throw things on the wall. And what I do is, and I this, when I’m listening to you guys, sometimes when you’re sharing your visions, I’m like, ooh, that’s, that’s a good one, or your values. I’m like, I like some of those. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna use those. Because, like, the guy who needs his house remodeled, I don’t necessarily know what I want to look like. Have some ideas, but if somebody else has better ideas, I’ll take them, right? So it’s the same thing with our vision and purpose. If somebody else has a good idea, why shouldn’t I use that? If it strikes me into my core as a good idea, then it’s obviously inside of me already. So as you’re listening to other people’s passions and visions, for both of you guys, you know, if you like something, just take it, you know, and use it or tweak it for your own.
Austin 36:27
I like that. That’s an exercise in the book, too. The same book that I’m referring to, he does, like, begin with the end in mind and kind of picture yourself, you know, I like this guy and, well, we’ve done that exercise too, where it’s like, you know, write your own eulogy, kind of a thing where it’s like, and at the end of the day a lot, and he’s done like more of like the research, and has like statistics behind it. But a lot of people get to the end of life and they wish they would have spent more time with family, or done more with, you know, the loved ones. It’s not about the extrinsic, you know, being the contractor, being never the businessman, it was, you know, a lot of them get to the end and they regret not being more intrinsic and finding joy with the people that are around them that they love.
Doug Holt 37:09
Dude, my mom just died last week, like, literally just died. And right before that, my brother called me and said, Hey, I need your help. My stepdad. She went to a hospice care my stepdad went with her. He was unable to move stuff. They moved from a big, large house in Orange County, California, and then eventually getting to this point to a assisted living facility, like a one bedroom so I flew out there and they had all of their stuff still just one bedroom they had at a two bedroom facility they’re moving from was filled wall to wall with boxes of stuff, stuff that they accumulated, antiques, valuables. We only had a few days. So there’s no estate sale. There’s no I’m throwing this in my luggage and taking it home. We took 80% of their stuff, and we put it on tables outside for people just to take. I mean, it all goes away. It was such a hard hitting thing, antiques they’ve collected from around the world, very valuable stuff, but I I can’t take it with me. I live far away, and I’m not going to ship it. We don’t have enough time to actually sell it for them. And so here comes their worldly possessions are all on folding tables outside, and other elderly people in their senior liver facility are picking through it like vultures. you know, but that’s just the reality. You can’t take it with you. Can’t take this stuff with you. We all know it. We all know it, but yet, does your day to day life showing it? You know, when I coach, first thing I do when I coach, the first thing but one of the first things I do with a one on one client. So one on one client right now, working with me is 250,000 a year, and we meet once a week, except for holidays and things like that, just on the phone call. So significant cost and capital, right? You’re putting your nuts on the line. You really got to want it. Point being is I ask them what they want. Everybody says, family. I go, okay, cool, pull up your calendar. Let’s look at your calendar right now. All right, so show me your calendar. I’ll show you your priorities. If your family isn’t in there, if the six year old, right, isn’t in there, for me, it’s my five year old daughter. If date night with your wife isn’t in there a calendar. Stop bullshitting yourself. You’re not fooling me. So stop lying to yourself, and start putting it in there. Second thing I’ll have them do, I go, and this is at this point the relationships build, but I put the bank statements. Let’s go to your bank right now. And a lot of guys are reluctant for a lot of reasons, as you can imagine, but I’m like, Dude, this is what we’re doing. So you guys know me well enough to know that, like, okay, if I’m saying we’re doing, this is what we’re doing. And I look and I go, Hey, every dollar is a vote. What are you voting for right now? Right now looks like you’re voting for Amazon, right? You vote for crop. You’re vote for nice things. You’re voting for the voting for the lake house you never go to because you’re working too much. What are your votes? Are. So for you, I would expect Alan, I would expect to see those votes and experiences, right your money invested there. For you, it’s going to be the core values you’re looking at at achieving. And sometimes there’s investments to get you there, and there’s strategy, but it’s a good data point to go back and go, All right, let’s just pull up my calendar today, just legitimately without judgment. And here’s, everybody tells me, well, this is a weird week, or this is an odd month, 100% of the time. I hear that, not most of the time, 100% of the time. So like when I used to run a private training studio in Santa Barbara, and I’d say, Okay, what would you eat yesterday? Write it down for me. Oh, well, yesterday was an odd day. I heard that 100% of the time. It’s just not true, because every day is an odd day. Every week’s an odd week. So if you pull up your calendar, guys, listening to this, you pull up your calendar right now. Does it reflect your priorities? If you’re trying to save your marriage? Is attending a class? Is it listening to podcasts? Is it growth? Is it date night? Is it something a better communication, intimacy? Is that in there? And if it’s not, you’re lying to yourself. You gotta change it. Same thing. Pull up your bank account for the last month or a week even, where have you been spending your money? And be honest with yourself about reality. And so when you’re searching for your purpose, your passion, that’s also where you get to look at like, Okay, this isn’t aligning, and don’t judge yourself, right? That’s not the point here. The point is just being honest. It’s day one, right? Day one’s about the truth. It’s getting honest with yourself, and then from that point we can make changes, but until we actually are real with ourselves, we can’t figure out a purpose or passion our values. It’s just lip service.
Austin 41:45
We just got $250,000 advice right there.
Allan 41:46
It’s pretty solid. Don’t take it all in.
Austin 41:50
I think it’s easy to, you know, open a calendar and have it in there too, but it’s like, you gotta first plan and then take action. So having it in the calendar is important. I feel like I have things in the calendar and, you know, sometimes it’s just like, that’s the thing that gets skipped too. So it’s like, you got to check yourself also and continually have that quarterly review, monthly review, and putting time in your calendar to do those things too. And I’m, I’m probably good at putting things in my calendar, but I’m not as good at the action behind it on certain things. good, right? And then, you know that, but when it comes to work, I never missed that appointment, no, you know. So it’s just like, I think that’s what’s been brought into balance for me this week, is like that shit is actually more, way more important it is. I mean, you that’s what brings me joy. that’s the legacy I want to leave.
Doug Holt 42:41
And sometimes you have to embody it, right theory and listening to podcasts like we’re this one right here, having conversations that can be hard, but the embodiment. And sometimes you have to force that embodiment, like I have people that have access to my calendar, and you guys might have people too. So mine’s color coded. So hey, this color blue can’t be moved this color gray. You can move it around, put things over it, you know? I’ll figure it out. And so it’s color coded of what’s what’s movable and what’s not movable. And I’ll make those family rocks in there, in that blue. And even I, because I’m the same, we’re all the same way. Can you take a call at 6am No, this time, I’ll do it right? And now we’re training people on how that we’re training people this that we are movable. Our boundaries are movable every time. I mean, we run an international company, right? As you guys both know. And so what people in the UK, I’m on the West Coast, people, I work with, people clients. And so having morning calls is great, but I made my mornings for my family, and I get requests. Used to get requests all the time. Hey, just one, one meeting at six or 5am and one that, when I started saying no, run a regular basis, two things happen, right? So people would say, I can’t meet. I have to meet at 5am just have to, you know, I’m over in Cyprus, or, you know, South somewhere else in the world, it has to be 5am I can’t do later. Every time I’ve said, No, I can’t do that, somehow they find the time to me at a different time. Sorry, up until 8am that’s for my kids and my family. I can’t do it. Man, apologize. Guess we’re not gonna have a phone call. Well, eight on Wednesday, I can make it work 100% of the time, and when you do that consistently, guess what? People stop asking you for the 5am the 6am meetings, because you’ve retrained them on how you work. And then they get trained to open up their eight AMS, and then whatever time that meant, you get the analogy I’m going with. We get to train, we get to the same thing with work, right? Hey, sorry, you know it’s big, it’s a big contract, but Wednesday’s date night, that’s a bigger contract,
Allan 44:56
My little girl. So this one kind of hit, hit hard. Work for Father’s Day. She drew me a card. She’s six. She on a piece of construction paper. It was a picture of me sitting at the computer, and it said, Dad, can you play with me? And it said, Not, right now, I got to finish my work. And I opened it, and it just, it really hurt dude, because I remember specifically what it was. She just wanted me to come play with her for probably five minutes. But I was like, let me finish this email. Let me take this call, and I saved it as a good reminder of what’s most important. And she asked me, she said, Why did you keep that data? I said, Well, this is, this is, for me, just a reminder that, you know, when I am working from home and the kids are there, it’s tough, you know, they want to play, And, um, there’s, there’s always time. The email can get sent later, the job can get done.
Doug Holt 45:57
Little. Oh, me as well. I’m guilty of it. I tell a story called just one more second at tars now, that’s, that’s me, if you heard that, I have my little girl. She was three, walk around the house, go one more just one second, just one second. So what is she saying? Just one second? I was like, oh, you know, who says that? Me, Hey, Dad, can come play? Just one second. Hey, Dad, do we just one second. Whole I’ve trained this girl that she is worth just one second. Wow, blue echo, I usually tell for some reason I’m not. I’m just like stopping, like a ball a puddle. So good job being component back. I mean, those are the things, right? So when we’re 80, I mean, that’s what for. TPM, I’m trying to incorporate my family more and more inviting them. I took them to Europe for the last brotherhood event. They came afterwards, flew them in, and we traveled to Europe. And I’m trying to integrate them more into what it is we do. And I get to find a way to do it more, right? Because I love TPM, I love the movement, I love the men that come and what it stands for, and right it gets to fit around the family. I’m curious. I know we haven’t got to the root. I have a bunch of other questions for you, but I want to give them to you privately, because I don’t think we need to open up your whole life to a million people or so in the world. And I appreciate you being so open. sure, have this conversation as well as you. Austin, as always, if you were to give advice to kind of put a bow on this, if you were to give advice to a guy who’s listening to this, we went all over the place, but they’re like, Man, I’m a little bit, I’m a little bit lost. Most guys listen to this, you know, their family life isn’t where they wanted it to be. They’re probably lost and a little bit stuck right. Feel like they’re they’re pushing the gas, but the wheels are just spinning. Muds floating out, but the car is not moving. Anything that you guys want to say to them.
Allan 47:47
So when I was asked to come under this retreat, I thought of a million other things I had to do. missed a few sports games and whatnot. I’m very much introvert. Like to figure things out on my own, but the reason we’re here, we’re all here is because I couldn’t do everything on my end. I needed help, just like this particular topic, asking for help, getting advice from guys that have gone through it. So I would say, ask for help and get feedback from others, on yourself.
Doug Holt 48:18
I love that
Austin 48:21
My advice would be, you know, do what brings you joy, if it, you know, if it ain’t fun and ain’t worth doing, and you know, in my vision planning this week, it was very centered around that. And being around my wife, being around my kids, actually intentional with them, brings me joy. Obviously, there’s work things that bring me joy, but there’s also things that work that don’t bring me joy, and I need to do less of I need to find a replacement for that, or an investment that, you know, is just really dragging on, and it’s like the bane of my existence. It’s not bringing me joy. I need to cut it off. So it’s like, if it’s not bringing you joy, cut find a way to cut it off. Delegate it, get rid of it, automate it, whatever that is, and just do more of what you love and what brings you joy. And then that’s really kind of a continual thing that’ll, you know, I think, produce the fruit of happiness that a lot of people are looking for.
Doug Holt 49:13
I love that, and I’m gonna add on to that. If I can eat what I would recommend is get a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, light, heavy, right? A lot of people can’t find a lot of people have a hard time finding that. What does it bring me joy kind of make you feel light? Is it easy? Is it fun, or is it heavy? And drain you of energy? And then make a list of all the things you do and put them in one of the two columns. There’s no 5050, split, and there’s sometimes some things, but why delineate what that something is and what case it’s light and what case it’s heavy, and do that, and then I always say, eliminate first, automate second, Delegate third, right in that order, if you can everything on the heavy side, and that’s going to free you up so much in life. You. To be able to actually go out and find what it is you actually do love and do more joy things you’re joyful of. I know early on in my career, I screwed up trying to work so hard on the things I wasn’t good at, and I realized, wait a minute, somebody else loves these things. Like that person’s crazy, by the way, but they love spreadsheets. Why don’t I focus on what I’m good at and actually love doing, and I get better at that, and I give that other person the opportunity of living in their joy. Amen, guys, what an awesome week. You know, I’m so glad you guys did in rooming together, and this journey is just beginning, and so much more to come. And being young whippersnappers in your early 30s, you have a lot of red ahead of you guys. So I’m very proud of you and very happy for both you guys.
Austin 50:45
appreciate you, Doug, thanks for putting this on. And you know being present the whole time too is big for you to be able to do that. And he gave a lot to us, and we really appreciate it.
Doug Holt 50:54
you’re welcome, gentlemen. If you’re looking for your purpose, your passion, or your icky guy. There’s a lot here. We went a little bit all over the place, but that’s what conversations go. That’s why life is you know, you get to look with the end in mind. What is it you want to land? And if you don’t know, that’s fine, start somewhere, though, take that first small step and move it in the direction, or a direction that could be a possibility. Could be listening to a show like this. Could be reaching out, could be joining a community, or coming to an event like these fine men. Can’t that these fine men came to now, you can’t just jump into a TPM legends event, because you got to be a legend first and go through the process. But if you don’t start, you’ll never get there. As I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action, and whatever you do, do something you’re meant more for more than average, see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
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