Episode #1041
In this episode, we’re answering a straight-up question from a listener.
“I feel like my wife and I are just roommates. There’s no spark. How do I get the passion back without begging for sex?”
Doug Holt and Chris Hansen dive into what’s really going on when men feel stuck in this kind of dynamic. They talk about the shift from being a strong partner to slipping into the “nice guy” role. It sounds helpful on the surface but often kills the attraction behind the scenes.
If you're feeling unappreciated, walking on eggshells, or stuck trying to fix things by doing more chores or being extra nice, this will be eye-opening. You'll learn why that approach usually backfires and what to do instead.
They also walk through key tools like the Triadic Connection and how to rebuild trust, emotional safety, and attraction in your marriage without begging or forcing anything. It’s all about leading from a grounded, confident place.
This is real talk for men who want to turn things around and lead at home the same way they lead at work.
If your marriage feels off and you’re ready to fix it without more talking or guessing, get the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. It gives you the tools to reconnect and lead again. No fluff. Just a clear path forward.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
And then most guys go into this nice guy syndrome, right? Instead of being kind, they're being nice, and there's a distinction between the two, right?
Christopher Hansen 0:07
The wives are building an exit plan, and, you know, they're not interested in sharing how they actually feel at that point.
Doug Holt 0:16
He gets to flip that over and start being decisive, and especially if he's chasing her around being needy. She's not going to be attracted because there's no polarity there. It's just a needy thing, and most men stop dating their wives.
Doug Holt 0:42
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. We're going to be taking your questions today, and I'm going to do my best job to answer them. We are, once again, greeted here with Christopher Hansen, who will be fielding those from you guys, and we'll jump right into them. Chris, thanks for being here, man.
Christopher Hansen 0:58
Thanks for having me, Doug.
Doug Holt 1:00
Awesome conversation before we hit record. We were talking about some people that are presenting themselves one way online, and it turns out that perhaps their stories aren't exactly true which is always interesting.
Christopher Hansen 1:12
It's fascinating to see. Seems like that's happening more and more.
Doug Holt 1:17
It is, it is. Yeah, I hope it does, you know.
Christopher Hansen 1:21
Same. You want to jump in?
Doug Holt 1:23
Let's jump in, man.
Christopher Hansen 1:25
Cool. So this question is from Mark, a 42-year-old business owner from Texas.
He says: “Doug, I don't get it. I provide for my family. I'm not out screwing around. I even help with the kids when I can, but it feels like my wife and I are just roommates with rings. We share a bed, but there's zero spark. How do you go from this back to passion without begging for sex all the time?”
Doug Holt 1:57
Man, that happens so commonly, right? We hear that story all the time the guy out there providing for his family, working his tail off, if you will. And you know, he's been doing this probably for a long time and, in his mind, sacrificing for his family. “I work my ass off. I come home, and all she does is nag and wants me to clean more, cook more, help out with the kids, do more chores,” and he's feeling like he never has free time and it's never good enough.
So there are a lot of things in that question that I want to address. The first thing is, I think a lot of us guys tell ourselves we're working so hard to provide for our family. I think that's a story I've had, Chris. And oftentimes when guys go through our program and I’m just using that as an example because that’s the one I know they come out the other side where they and their wives are really close again. It takes some time before they both feel comfortable sharing. Most of the time, the wives are saying, “Hey, look, I never wanted this.”
And guys that have been with us for a long time, we can work deeper, and usually what comes up for them is, “Oh crap, I've been doing this for me.” It’s my own identity. I’ve wanted to do it. Or they’re doing it because they’re not getting their needs met at home. But everybody at work thinks I’m a friggin’ stud. Everybody at work thinks I’m crushing it, right? So let me go back there where I’m crushing it, and I’ll get my needs met. People love me. They like me. I’m the man.
So that’s one element that I can hear playing in there with this. And then most guys go into this nice guy syndrome, right? Instead of being kind, they’re being nice and there’s a distinction between the two. I consider myself, and you, very kind men. But we both have firm boundaries. We're not dogs chasing our tails. And I used to do this, Chris. I’ve told this story before many times, but for people who are newer to this, I could probably tell a hundred stories like it. I was in Santa Barbara, California, with my wife. I think I had three companies at the time. I was on the Rotary Club, doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, playing soccer I was crushing it.
If you just checked boxes, it seemed as if I was crushing it everywhere in my life. I owned a gym, worked out all the time and yet my wife wasn’t happy. So I thought, okay, she’s complaining I wasn’t doing enough around the house. So I thought, “Okay, I’ll show her. I’ll show her the cleanest house possible.” You’ve heard me tell this story before. So I leave work early she’s not there, I know she’s not going to be there. I go home, crank up the stereo, put a pot of coffee on, and I clean that house.
And I’m not talking about that surface-level clean people do when guests are coming over. I’m cleaning, and I’m proud of myself. I’m thinking, “Not only is she going to finally see this, she’s going to walk in that house and go, ‘I have the best husband in the world.’” Right? We’re gonna have some sex, it’s gonna be amazing. She’s gonna see me as the god that I thought I was at the time. And she comes in, and she’s like, “Oh, you didn’t clean the oven.” And I just lost it, man. I went off.
The problem was two things. I was being a nice guy, but I was also doing it for external validation, right? I was trying to prove to her how good I was. And in exchange for cleaning the house, she was going to look at me as this awesome guy. I just didn’t get it. I think a lot of us guys fall into that. And the word I heard from this gentleman what was his name again?
Christopher Hansen 5:20
Mark.
Doug Holt 5:21
Yeah, Mark. From Mark I heard “chasing her around,” right?
Christopher Hansen 5:23
Or begging.
Doug Holt 5:25
Yep, begging which is needy, right? It’s being very needy. And that’s one of the most repulsive energy sources or states of being you can have for a woman. If you’re needy, it’s not sexy at all. And my guess is, if I were to go have coffee with his wife, she would tell me that. She’d say, “I’m tired of him being so needy. I need him to make more decisions.” I hear that all the time from wives: “I want him to be more decisive.” Which is ironic, because guys that call you’re one of our advisors, so you talk to the guys on the front lines they have a hard time making the decision of whether to join our program or not.
Christopher Hansen 6:00
100%.
Doug Holt 6:01
Which is a telltale sign. You can tell right away they probably don’t make a lot of decisions at home decisions on what the kids do, where they go on vacation, how their family runs, what friends they spend time with, even “What are we going to eat tonight?” Basic decisions. And guys have abdicated that power, and Mark probably has as well. And I want Mark to know and all the other Marks out there I did the same thing. Straight up, I did all of these things.
He gets to flip that over and start being decisive, also really going out and figuring out what his wife’s real needs are. Because again, when people are in this state when I talk to their wives, which I don’t often do, but sometimes, especially with one-on-one guys they’ll ask me if I’ll speak to their wives. Sometimes I’ll get on a phone call or Zoom with them, and more often than not, what I hear and I hear this from my wife’s girlfriends all the time is it’s like having another child in the house. They feel like instead of having a husband, they’ve got a child.
And so guys get to flip that over. I think the Triadic Connection is the best way to get started with that. For those who don’t know what the Triadic Connection is, that’s going to start with the Clean Slate Method, where you wipe the slate clean. So now you’re drawing a line in the sand with your wife and saying, “Hey, here’s where we were. This is the past. Let’s leave that in the past and start fresh.”
And there’s still going to be some stuff to work on there. It’s not like it’s a magic wand, but it’s pretty darn close and you don’t have to talk about it. The second part of that is what we call The Hidden Motives Technique, and that’s using validation. Again, when I talk to the wives or my wife, who coaches women, as you know they all will say they don’t feel heard, they don’t feel seen, or they don’t feel safe.
Which, again, when my wife told me she didn’t feel safe, I was like, “What are you talking about? I don’t yell or scream.” You know, I raised my voice especially with the oven thing because I get pissed. But I never hit her. I would walk away sometimes. But I didn’t realize it was emotional safety. I didn’t get that at first. So his wife probably doesn’t feel emotionally safe. And especially if he’s chasing her around being needy, she’s not going to be attracted because there’s no polarity there it’s a needy thing.
So that’s another thing Mark gets to work on as he’s going through that. It reminds me of Dr. Glover’s book No More Mr. Nice Guy, which kind of describes the symptoms there. But the way you get out of those symptoms is by becoming activated again. At TPM, we call that going from DEER to WOLF. DEER would be an acronym for Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. WOLF being an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce. And so the deer is prey, right? When men go into this nice guy mode, they become the prey. You can’t have two deer so the wife has to take on the masculine role, which is probably not natural for Mark’s wife, and for, you know, 90% of the women out there.
They can go into masculinity, but that’s just not their natural state. And most men listening to this probably prefer a woman who’s naturally in her feminine, flowy, dress-like state. And they can step into their masculine, right? Those are some big issues I’m seeing that Mark could work on right away.
Christopher Hansen 9:50
And I imagine she's feeling a ton of pressure being in a position where she has to make all of those decisions and then simultaneously meet Mark's needs that she’s not actually drawn to meeting.
Doug Holt 10:08
No, here's how the conversation is going to go with Mark's wife, because I've had this conversation with guys so many times. If she's honest with me, she'll say, “You know what? He comes home, he's in a mood. I have to take care of the kids, I take care of the house. If I’m working, I have to work, I have to make the decisions on food.” She's overwhelmed with decision fatigue. Then he comes home, abdicates his power, and then goes around trying to make her happy rather than just taking control.
So she feels that if he's making the decisions, he's just gonna drop the ball or pass it back to her. So she's gotta be in this masculine state, which is not natural for her. Again, she can do it, but it's not natural, so it drains her energy. And now she's frustrated, she's resentful of him, there's no polarity. And polarity meaning she can't be a feminine, sexy woman without having a masculine man there.
And that's why, if you read any romance books right, guys, most of the bestsellers out there are romance books, fiction or romance books disguised as novels you go to women’s book clubs, they’re reading about powerful men taking feminine women or converting them. That’s what their fantasy is. Not every woman, you know, but most.
Christopher Hansen 11:20
Yep.
Doug Holt 11:21
And so now she's going to be like, “Oh, he comes home and I make all the decisions, and he's just there on the couch. He's following me around asking me, ‘What should I do? What do you need help with?’” Instead of actually just doing the thing. He’s always asking, “Need help with dinner? You need this? You need that?” He’s needy. So that’s repulsive to her. And then he wants to have sex with her, and she’s like, “It’s like having sex with a grown man-child.” That’s not sexy. That’s not what she signed up for.
Christopher Hansen 11:51
Well, it’s just another chore that gets put onto her list. She’s not coming away from that experience being fulfilled, or, you know, her cup’s not being filled by that in any way. And I love the frame that sex gets to be a celebration of the natural connection in a relationship, not the thing that the man uses to connect, right? Because when it becomes a celebration of the connection that’s actually there, both parties are walking away feeling fulfilled by that. And if she’s not and she hasn’t been for a long time what’s her motivation to have sex?
Doug Holt 12:32
None. Well, so my theory or what I find to be true, and let me know if you think the same thing is that women need connection to want sex, and men get connection from sex. So I’ve told this story often too, because I think it’s so apropos. Tim Tim, right, my business partner, master coach at TPM he was smart. He hired an intimacy coach when things were going good, right? So, let’s be preventative. And one of the questions the coach asked Tim was, “Hey, when does sex start for you?” Say you want to have sex on Friday. What do you need? When can you be ready? So Friday night, 6 p.m. you want to have sex. When do you need to get started?
Tim’s like, “Friday night, 6 p.m. I’m good to go.” The coach turned to his partner and said, “Hey, if you’re looking to have sex Friday at 6 p.m., when does foreplay start for you?” She goes, “Monday.” “Monday. I need foreplay and everything else to start on Monday for Friday.” And you’ll see a lot of people on social media shorts these are moms, not influencers talking about this stuff: “Hey, text your wife this. Take your wife out on dates. Let her know.”
And my wife tells me this she likes the anticipation. So, like, “Hey, be ready when I get home. Have the kids watching a show downstairs in the basement where they can’t hear. I want you wearing this. It’s on. I want you, and I’m gonna take you.” And she loves that. It’s direct. You know, Doug 1.0 me 15 years ago I would have never done that. I’d think, “Oh, that’s not appropriate.” Like, “She has an opinion, I’m gonna ask her, ‘Hey, what’s good for you? Do you want to do this?’”
Sometimes I would, right especially when first dating, I did all the time. But I kind of edified my wife and put her on a pedestal in a good way and I still do, in a different way. And guys, this doesn’t give you an excuse to be a jerk. You get to honor your wife’s needs by making her feel safe emotionally, making her feel seen, heard, and desired, and by becoming activated yourself.
Christopher Hansen 14:51
And it’s a process to get there. I mean, I don’t know Mark’s specific situation, but it’s possible that if Mark were to send that text to his wife right now saying, “Hey, I’m gonna be home at X, Y, and Z. Be wearing this.” she may not receive that right now, right? So there’s a process to get to the place of...
Doug Holt 15:12
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There’s no fluff, no BS. It’s an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it. All I ask is you pay the postage. You pay the shipping. I’ll buy the book for you. That way, you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.
Christopher Hansen 16:05
...of having a relationship where your wife does feel seen, heard, desired, and safe to where you can have that dynamic.
Doug Holt 16:14
Yep, so good point. That’s why The Activation Method and again, I’m not pushing The Activation Method, it’s just the program I know best, it’s the one we designed that’s why it goes over a period of time. It’s not like a one-day “Come to this weekend and learn all the tricks.” It doesn’t work that way. It needs application. You need to apply the things.
And it’s not just learning that’s why I tell the guys at the end of many of the podcasts: do the action, then move on to your next podcast or whatever else you’re doing in your day. Or at least calendar the action. Practice The Hidden Motives Technique, right? Get feedback from a coach or if you don’t have a coach, a trusted person who’s an expert in these kinds of things so that you can make your wife feel safe.
Because if your wife’s not safe, she may do things out of obligation, right? She’ll have sex with you out of obligation or feeling bad for you, or occasionally she’ll be horny. And again, I’ve talked to so many wivesa lot of times they’re thinking about somebody else. The sex in the bedroom is not fun. It’s not connected. They don’t look up to their husband with respect and admiration. So he gets to get it back.
Christopher Hansen 17:20
And it’s not about that other person that she’s thinking about, right? I mean, that other person is just an idea to her it’s just a feeling to her and it’s a feeling that you yourself can give to her. So it’s not about her really wanting to be with somebody else. It’s about the experience that she wants to have at the end of the day with you. She’s just not getting that.
Doug Holt 17:42
Well, I think she might want to be with somebody else. That’s the thing, right? Because she’s not getting it, she wants it with you first and foremost. If she’s not getting it with you, she’s starting to fantasize about getting that need met elsewhere. That’s why so many men find out that their wives have had an emotional affair. And what I’m defining as an emotional affair is she’s been talking to another guy online, or at the office, or what have you.
Most guys never realize this until it’s too late or they flip their wife’s phone over. There’s one guy I’m not going to say his name but you know, his son fell and his wife dropped her phone on the table and ran over there. He was getting up to go and just looked down and saw the message she was having while sitting at the table with him with another man. And he wasn’t activated. And he admits it. He’s like, “Dude, that’s when I found TPM.”
And they’re great, right? But he worked on this for a while, and they’re in the best place they’ve ever been. It happens a lot where guys just stumble upon it. So we really get to honor that and provide it. When we first start dating our wives, a lot of times there’s mystery and we’re planning the dates, right? She doesn’t have to. We’re planning dinners, we’re taking her out, we’re planning a cool trip, a cool adventure. And most men stop dating their wives. It’s like, “I got married. Check the box. Okay, add some kids in there. Now we’re stressed. Now we’re not sleeping.”
And now you’re into the day-to-day. And when resentment starts to build up, a lot of times you love each other but don’t like each other.
And that’s where the whole idea is you’re laying next to your wife, and you’re three to six inches apart, but you feel six miles away. And a lot of guys I don’t know if Mark’s in this situation but they’re scared to touch their wife at night because, like, what is she gonna say? What’s she gonna do? And sure, you know...
Christopher Hansen 19:30
And there’s vulnerability, and then that turns to volatility.
Doug Holt 19:36
Yep.
Christopher Hansen 19:37
And then that can turn to conflict, and then rejection.
Doug Holt 19:40
Yep, absolutely.
Christopher Hansen 19:42
Men are a lot more sensitive than they portray themselves to be at least I know I have fallen into that boat for a large portion of my life.
Doug Holt 19:51
Oh, dude. I mean, we have thousands of men that go through our program, so we see it all the time even the most masculine man. And again, we have Special Forces soldiers, firefighters... last Alpha Reset, we had a firefighter who’d been in the fire department for 20-some years. He’s a masculine dude, and he’s tired of being rejected, and he wants joy in his life. All of these things and you can have all of these. These are learned skills that can be codified. And that’s what we call The Activation Method or The Essential Blueprint. There has to be something that you can codify and make repeatable, right? That’s the key.
That’s one of the problems I have. I love other companies out there helping men I really do, and I want to cheer them on but there are a couple of them out there that haven’t proven the process to be repeatable. You need to make sure whatever you’re teaching out there is repeatable and codified skills that can apply in real-life settings. We’ve been doing this for eight years now. Want to tackle one more question?
Christopher Hansen 20:55
Absolutely. Cool. This is from Aaron. Aaron is 44, and he’s a consultant from New York. He writes: “My wife literally said the words, ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’ That crushed me. Does that mean it’s over, or is there really a way to flip attraction back on after years of drifting apart?”
Doug Holt 21:18
So, Aaron, first of all, this comes up a lot this question. I’ve seen so many of these marriages and relationships because some guys who come to us aren’t married, right? They’re partners or in long-term relationships but most guys are married with kids. I’ve seen so many of these turn around. Because if she’s saying she loves you, then all you have to do is reignite the spark. You have to get trust back first, because if she’s saying, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” there’s an element of trust that’s missing, and there’s an element of safety that’s missing and 100% polarity is missing.
That’s the big thing. She’s lost either respect, or there’s no spark. So those two things are most likely occurring, if I’m just taking an educated guess but again, after thousands of guys coming through the programs, you start to pick up patterns. I always joke around, like, I’d be a moron not to pick up some of these patterns. So yes, you definitely can turn it around but you’ve got to step on the gas, because think about the statistic, Chris: 70% of divorces are initiated by the woman.
Now, if your wife has a college degree or higher guys, listen if your wife has a college degree or higher, that number goes to 90%. Get that: 90% of divorces are initiated by the woman. And we all know that 50% of marriages already result in divorce. So the odds are stacked against Aaron, right?
Christopher Hansen 22:41
Right.
Doug Holt 22:42
And if he’s hearing this even if things seem okay now if he’s hearing this, things aren’t well. And it’s not every time sometimes guys wait too long. There are other extreme circumstances that could be happening. But the fact that she still loves him tells me there’s still an emotional charge and still connection. So he’s got to scramble and get the tools to bring that spark back to life but also to give her that feeling of being seen, heard, and desired. And if he can provide that for her, then he’s got a really good chance.
Christopher Hansen 23:15
For sure. And if she’s willing to tell him that, that’s her way of saying something needs to change, right? I mean, my experience is the guys that wait too long their wives aren’t telling them anything. The wives are building an exit plan, and, you know, they’re not interested in sharing how they actually feel at that point.
Doug Holt 23:38
I totally agree. So what I’d say to Aaron is: if your wife’s telling you this, she’s felt this for probably at least two years, and she’s probably been dropping a lot of hints. One of the funniest things, Chris so we have a program called The Alpha Reset. It’s our transformational program. It takes place over about three days guys get here early, so it’s really four but it’s three days of really intense, deep work.
And a lot of times, on the last day, guys will go, “Crap.” They get it. It clicks. These men get their mojo back. The best way I can describe The Alpha Reset and we have hundreds of testimonials from men is the mojo and energy you had in your early 20s, that “I can take the world by the balls” energy. Now add that to a 30-, 40-, or 50-year-old’s experience and wisdom and that’s the engine, right?
That’s what happens to the guys. And in that engine becomes wisdom, right? That’s part of the WOLF wise. That’s the “W” in WOLF Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce all the time. The guys go, “Oh crap. She saw this, and she’s been hinting for a while.” Got it. Because your wife she married you seeing your potential, and she can see your potential now. And what pisses her off and hurts her is you not living up to your potential.
And that’s what Aaron’s wife is probably seeing. The analogy I use do you invest in stocks at all? Mutual funds?
Christopher Hansen 25:12
Okay.
Doug Holt 25:13
So when you invest in a stock, are you looking for a stock that’s going up, or one that’s going to go down over time?
Christopher Hansen 25:18
Up.
Doug Holt 25:19
Up, 100%, right? So does your wife. She was looking for a stock that’s going to increase in value, not decrease. And sadly, for a lot of guys, they decrease, right? They get out of shape and that’s kind of normal but more importantly to women, physicality isn’t the biggest driver of attraction, at least not for most women at a certain age. It is important, but what’s more important is: is the man working on himself? Is he bettering himself? Is he passionate about what he’s going after in life?
All of those elements come into it. And there’s a process to get there, and he can get it back. But if there’s no emotion if your wife is not yelling at you, she’s not telling you she loves you, she’s not reacting to you, and she doesn’t care what you do that’s when it’s too late. She just doesn’t care anymore, and she’s moved on.
And most guys don’t realize this unless there’s an acute incident so an affair, physical abuse, drug abuse, or some other boundary-crossing thing. What usually happens is women will either look at their career, their finances, find a place to live, find a new man and then they ask for divorce.
Christopher Hansen 26:37
Yep.
Doug Holt 26:38
They already have their whole new life mapped out. And that’s what trips guys up, because they’re like, “Oh man, we got divorced, and six months later she was with a new guy,” or “Three months later...” Dude, she’s been planning that new guy for a couple years now, and you waited too long. So Aaron just needs to as soon as possible run, don’t walk. Get those skills necessary to move forward. Get them today. Don’t wait till tomorrow.
Christopher Hansen 27:06
Yep, I agree. Well, for Aaron and for Mark here, if they need to connect with TPM or get any resources from us, what’s the best way for them to do that?
Doug Holt 27:18
I mean, you’d probably be the better person to ask, honestly, but fair enough. So, we have a general email inbox. I’m old enough that I still use email I know the younger generation laughs at me but it’s VIP@thepowerfulman.com. Just go ahead and email in. We have advisors that are in there men like you, Chris and they’re there to answer questions on your particular situation.
So kind of like I’m answering these questions now, the process usually looks like this: you can email in, they’ll send you to an application where you can apply, or they’ll ask you the questions, or they can jump on a call and ask you the questions directly. We do have some gatekeeping that we do to make sure it’s a good fit for both parties. We have a super high rating on our programs for two reasons. One is, we only want to work with people we know we can help or at least believe we can help.
Two is, we want to make sure the men coming into our movement are good guys the right fit for our community. We hold our community really close. Our community are men I spend time with my kids can be around them, my wife can be around them. So, if you’re an asshole, don’t apply. But that doesn’t happen much.
So, VIP@thepowerfulman.com, or you can go over to the website: thepowerfulman.com. There’s a “Get Started” or “Find Out More” button one of those usual ones you see on a website. That’ll take you to a short video and an application, and you can apply at that point or book a call just to find out more information. There’s no risk. The risk is in not making the decision.
Christopher Hansen 27:58
Yep, absolutely.
Doug Holt 28:00
Awesome. Thanks for bringing these questions, man. These are always fun.
Christopher Hansen 28:03
Of course. Thanks, Doug.
Doug Holt 28:05
Gentlemen, thank you for sending in your questions. There’s a similarity between both Mark and Aaron here, and I’m wondering if you saw any of yourself in that. I certainly did. One of those things is about getting activated again right? Becoming the WOLF. And if TPM isn’t for you, totally cool. I’ve got no problem with that. But do something. Both of you guys Mark and Aaron and especially you, Aaron, I want to see you do something. Go to another program. Do something that might help you move forward.
And I want the best for you guys. You guys listening I really appreciate it. I don’t take it lightly. And as I say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.