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Episode #1030
In this episode, Doug sits down with two longtime TPM members at the end of an unforgettable event at the TPM Ranch. They unpack something a lot of high-performing men wrestle with what self-love really means, how we unknowingly block it, and why most guys don’t realize they’re missing real male connection until they finally experience it.
They talk about the weight of leadership, why so many men feel alone at the top, and how being part of a strong, honest brotherhood changes everything. You’ll hear firsthand how these men broke through years of internal resistance through laughter, hard conversations, and yes, even tears and finally gave themselves permission to slow down, reconnect, and show up better for everyone around them.
If you’re constantly pouring into everyone else and leaving yourself last, this one’s for you.
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Transcription
Dave 0:00
One of the biggest steps to self love is taking a stand for yourself. You know, saying no to something because you want your time or you want something else. And we just trip up on that. A lot of times. We try to make others happy, and we just don’t say no,.I mean, that’s an act of self love, just stand in for what you want.
Doug Holt 0:33
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. We are still at the The Ranch here in the heart of Central Oregon, 106 acre ranch for the TPM legends event. Now the event is just wrapping up, so you’ve listened to the previous episodes. You heard us. I think it was on day one or day two of the event. And man, it is a it’s a happy and sad moment rolled into one to see people leaving. But so much good time. And I have two of my brothers here with us today, and we’re gonna have a conversation. Dave, Jeff, thanks for being here, guys.
Dave 1:05
Good morning.
Jeff 1:06
Thanks for having me pleasure to be here.
Doug Holt 1:08
Having a good time so far?
Dave 1:10
Legendary, man
Jeff 1:11
Epic, definitely, epic.
Doug Holt 1:13
It’s been it went fast, man, sure, that’s what happens. You’re having a good time. You’re surrounding yourself by good men. And we were talking about what topics to talk about, and one of the things you were the Dave, you’re like, hey, how important it is to be around and surround yourself with a tribe of just amazing men.
Dave 1:30
absolutely. You know, as business leaders, we are alone at the top, and it’s difficult to find men at the same level. Not that I’m touting, you know, making myself feel bigger here, but it’s hard to find guys that are doing the same thing and participating in life at the same level. And that’s one of the benefits that I get out of ppm,
Doug Holt 1:53
I mean, just yesterday, we’re having great conversations, white water rafting, zip lining, and we have dinner at the top of an epic dinner on top of a mountain. And you’re hearing, you know, we say this all the time. You’re hearing laughs, you’re seeing tears, you’re, you know, guys are giving each other a hard time, and at the same time having deep conversations, business conversations, and talking about real stuff.
Dave 2:16
And these, these men are phenomenal support, and we get to come together in fellowship and support each other, because most of us have been through the same stuff, and we get to learn from each other, and it’s absolutely powerful. It’s not the reason why I joined TPM. I joined TPM, like many of the other men, to save my marriage, and what I ended up doing with saving myself, and creating relationships are going to last a lifetime.
Doug Holt 2:44
it’s been awesome. How’s it been for you Jeff?
Jeff 2:47
Dude, it’s I was just reflecting. You know, last night, we had an amazing dinner, and nowhere else can you sit around a table with a group of guys and share your darkest secrets or your biggest journeys. I mean, it’s like sitting across the table from your significant other type of relationship, and you just can’t do that in the normal world, yeah? And so when we bring us guys together, it’s just magical, the growth we have with each other, and what we can open up and share with each other, yeah? You know,
Doug Holt 3:17
It’s always funny is everybody goes like, I’ve never seen a group of guys like this, you know,
Dave 3:22
Everywhere we went, what are you guys doing?
Doug Holt 3:25
well, we’re having so much fun. And I think what? And this is gonna sound bad, but I’m just gonna say it. I think it shocks people, because they see that it’s a bunch of straight guys getting together, having fun, having good conversations, you know, all everybody’s polite, like we’re going into places to buy things, you know, souvenirs for our families and what have you. And because we’re so polite, and the energy that comes across is just good men getting together. They’re not used to they’re used to the guys either just chugging a 12 pack of beer, being rude and rowdy, or, what they’ve told us is it’s usually girls groups that go out and into these things. So to have a bunch of guys, I’m curious for both you guys, before you joined TPM, did you know that you were missing this?
Jeff 4:12
No, definitely not. I didn’t know what it was like to be open, especially with other men, and there’s, I know for me personally, there’s a lot of opportunity to grow with my dad on an open relationship, and I’m, you know, passing that on to my boy. But I didn’t know men could connect and share their hearts with each other like we do.
Dave 4:40
I’d have to say that I knew I was missing having a brotherhood of peers in my small community, there’s a there’s just a very few entrepreneurs as a small community in Laramie, Wyoming and I. Know them all, and I never felt connected to many of them. And I didn’t realize I was missing that until I joined TPM,
Doug Holt 5:09
I think, I mean, I think it’s a common thing, right? When I look back for myself, I wanted a group of strong men who were leaders. I just didn’t think you’d get to the depth of connection that’s been developed, and especially with this group here at this event, with the TPM legends. I mean, we have men that have been in the movement for as long as seven years here, and other men as early as, I think, maybe two to three years. But you guys have been doing the work for a long time, and as you continue to peel back that layer and get 1% better every day, as we talk about and are sharing. You know, deaths of family members, you know, bursts of grandkids. You know, all kinds of things, real life events, wins, stacking wins, as we like to talk about it, and celebrating each other. That’s just a really beautiful thing.
Jeff 5:57
It’s fantastic. life changing, for sure,
Doug Holt 6:00
just switching gears a little bit. One of the things that we were talking about before we hit record was this idea of self love. What does self love mean to you? I think it can be an abstract thing for a lot of guys.
Jeff 6:13
That was one of the first things we talked about, if I recall, in The Activation Method, was making sure you do things in your life to fill your cup so that what’s overflowing can be given to others. And I never heard about it that way, and that’s really taking care of yourself first is self love. There was a time in my career where I wouldn’t bother taking time to do something like come to a retreat, or because I knew I needed to take care of other people, other things, other what I really needed was to refocus my energy to make sure I’m showing up first, so I can be myself, the best self I can be for everyone else.
Doug Holt 6:55
Beautifully said. How about you, Jeff, listening to you.
Jeff 6:57
Yes, you know, self love changed for me this week, as you know, Doug and I was always looking, I guess, for a lot of validation, and trying to validate myself and trying to love myself. But as I learned this week, I had a blockage where I lost my mom in high school, and I been yearning that love from her. And so I realized this week, I’ve been blocking a lot of love, yearning for hers. And so I didn’t realize, you know, in my journey of trying to love myself, that I had this blockage, and, you know, without this program, I don’t know that I’d ever gotten to that route. I That’s powerful. And so I think self love for me, moving forward here is definitely a journey. It’s not a black and white thing, yeah? And I just challenge other guys to keep looking and questioning themselves. What is self love? How do you how do you love yourself? How do you fill your cup? And where are you looking for validation from others? That’s really you need. The validation yourself, the love yourself.
Doug Holt 8:21
I love that when it comes up for me as well, if I can share is and I love for is radical self acceptance. you know, so many times, you know, if we said the things we say to ourselves to our friends, we’d have no friends, right? I mean, it’s true. It is very true. And then how do we accept ourselves like we’re at a state where we all are, a state where we all know each other so well that we can, we can make fun of each other, make fun of ourselves, and know that it’s just a joke, right? But there’s so many people out there are so afraid of people seeing who they really are, their fears, their scars, their battle wounds, their you know, they’ve lost that ability to really appreciate themselves, and so they get triggered easily, right? Because they don’t have that level of comfort with themselves in their own shoes. And therefore, if somebody says something about them or to them, they can get easily triggered and go into DEER mode, which you guys know is an acronym for, defend, excuse, explain, and my favorite, react.
Dave 9:25
And I still, I still catch myself doing that. Oh,
Doug Holt 9:27
We all do. I do too, man, but we catch, at least for me, I recognize it now, yes,.And I catch it much quicker, you know. And then you can go into the WOLF, which is an acronym for wise, open, loving and fierce. There you go. That’s a much better state to be in,.I mean, everybody wins when we’re in that state, especially us..So I can imagine, if you guys can think back before TPM, you know this concept of self, love and how that might feel, what might seem like? What advice? Advice would you give to a man that’s on the treadmill right now, or walking the dog or in the car, listening to us have this conversation going self love, like, what the heck is that?
Dave 10:12
You know, at first it seemed like I was being selfish. You know, I’m taking time for myself to do things for me, and that’s what I ended up having to learn the hard way, and is that that’s that’s exactly what I need to do. So I can be I can show up, I can be grounded. I can be wise, open, loving and fierce. Because when I’m when my cup is empty, when I’m on empty, I I react. I am not thinking. I’m I’m just being, reactive to all of the stimulus around me, the the challenges, the, you know, the business challenges particularly, grab a hold of me and and create a process that I’m just reacting to, and that’s never successful for me, it took a long time to figure that out.
Doug Holt 11:09
I get that. I really do. I think it’s so interesting when it’s usually the people closest to us that call us selfish, right? And what does that mean? You’re selfish? That means, hey, you’re not doing what I want you to do, right? That’s all it is. Once I figured that out, was like, holy cow, the truly selfish thing is telling somebody they’re selfish, right? That’s all it is. Hey, when someone calls you selfish, I’m gonna reiterate it for the listener. All it really is is you’re not doing what I want you to do, so therefore I’m going to manipulate you.
Jeff 11:43
I think, I think young well, not not just young business owners, but business owners in general, look at taking time away from their business as being selfish to the business. good point. Absolutely not the case. step away when I need to go, get away to recharge, to make sure I’m showing up fully for my employees and for my clients. That’s where it’s at.
Doug Holt 12:12
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Jeff 13:05
I think, for me, you know someone listening to this, they’re probably on their way to work. Look for an off ramp. Pull off to that next Park. Shut the radio off, shut the phone off. Get out of the car, go for a walk and try to connect with your heart, just shut the noise off and try to listen to yourself. What do you really want to do? What’s making you happy and what? What’s going to fill your cup, what’s going to put a smile on your face the rest of the day, and do one thing that’s going to fill you up
Doug Holt 13:41
But Jeff, I don’t have time
Jeff 13:42
Exactly. That’s what we all do. We are masters at giving away our time. so the challenge is take that next off ramp you got 15 minutes between meetings. Get out of the office, go for a walk, or just put your headphones on and put some quiet music on and just zone out, shut down and quiet yourself.
Doug Holt 14:03
I think it was Russell Simmons. I think was interviewed one time because he meditates daily. And I’m going to butcher this, but get the context right. Is someone told them said, Hey, I don’t have 20 minutes to meditate each day. He said, Okay, this is what I want you to do. You need to meditate for an hour. Then if you don’t have 20 minutes, you need it more, you know. And that’s very true. Would you guys say that the because both of you guys did The Alpha Reset at different times, different places? Dave, yours was in the UK, Jeff’s years was with me in the States. Would you say that was a shortcut to finding self love? Oh, half 100%
Jeff 14:41
That was a rocket ship to self love, for sure. So many walls knocked down. Such a transformational experience.
Dave 14:51
The act of taking time away to do that was self love. I knew I needed to do it. I wanted to do it. I’d put it off for you. Two years before I did it, the first time, when did it, it was absolutely transformational for me.
Jeff 15:07
One of the biggest steps to self love is taking a stand for yourself. You know, saying no to something because you want your time or you want something else. And we just trip up on that. A lot of times we try to make others happy, and we just don’t say no,.I mean, that’s an act of self love, just standing for what you want.
Doug Holt 15:31
It’s crazy how, for myself included, you grew up thinking that you’re being selfish and that, I don’t know about you guys, but I always felt like, oh, just give me your burdens. I’ll take it like I was being the nice guy more. Okay, I’ll get up earlier. I’ll stay up later. Don’t worry about me. Don’t Oh, my God, I’m doing fine, until you collapse, right, right? And then you look around and no one’s around. And then what I did anyway, no one was around, like no one’s taking care of me. And then I get resentful, and that would turn into anger, and I would snap a lot easier. And because I was burnt out, I had nothing else to give. I was running on fumes for so long, It’s the whole concept is interesting. There’s so many guys. Some of us are men, right? We’re providers, we’re protectors, and we want to do best by the people around us. We want to take care of the people around us, especially as as business leaders. We also have staff that look after us and look up to us for direction. When decision fatigue can happen. By noon, you’re putting out fires as soon as you wake up, doo doo, doo doo. And then kind of this idea of like, who’s looking after us. And back to your point, Dave, that’s also where a tribe of men is so helpful, because you got guys. I was just in the kitchen next door at the main house, and I was talking to Justin, and he was holding somebody else’s feet to the fire, like, Hey, you said this, you know. So you’re gonna do it. And then somebody else came up to me, or Justin came up to me and said, Hey, I want you to keep me accountable on this you know, I’m going to do X, Y and Z, and I want you I’m letting you know so you can keep me accountable
Jeff 17:07
Exactly. and no one else can hold you more accountable than someone that loves you.
Doug Holt 17:12
that’s true.
Jeff 17:13
That’s true. I mean, our significant others love us and hold us accountable all the time. And to have a brother to do that is just life changing, and especially a clan of brothers looking after each other, I would
Doug Holt 17:28
Argue it’s not your significant other’s job, right? Absolutely, she’s your lover, like you know that’s her role. And I know, for me, and obviously, working with 1000s of men at this point, I know it’s not just me. We turn we think our significant others should do that, right? We almost turn her into a mom, or like our mom in some ways and unconsciously, like, okay, she’ll do this when I’m down. She’ll take care of me. Like, oh, poor Doug, you know, he’s sick. I’m not feeling well. I’ve worked so hard, you know, come take care of me. We don’t say it like that or think about but I looked around in my environment, I was like, holy cow. You know, am I making her my mother, not my lover? Whereas you come here to something like this, or we meet on the phone or zoom or text message, whatever the message platform we all communicate with is, you know, it’s, I care so much about you. I’m not gonna let you screw up. You said. You said you’re gonna do X, Y, Z, I’m gonna hold your feet to the fire and have tough conversations like, Look man, and guys push back, right? These are strong men, and, you know, so if I’m holding Dave’s feet to the fire day might say, Well, Doug, you know, I changed my mind. And then, of course, he knows me well enough to know that I’m gonna go, Well, did you let’s, let’s talk about this. Is this a convenient change, or do you really want something different? And that mirror helps out so much because, you know, it’s, it’s easy. When I was doing research my early 20s, I tell this story that you know, research them through PubMed. If I was drinking wine, I could, I could show you 20 studies on how healthy wine was for you. But then when I stopped drinking, I could show you 20 studies and wine was bad for you. I was very good at justifying my confirmation bias and having men or like you guys around me too it. You’re not going to get away with it. You’re like, No, dude, those weren’t protein cinnamon rolls that were in the kitchen, darn it,.But that’s also self love. I think Dave and Jeff and when you brought up the topic, like, Hey, these are two topics I want to talk about. That’s why I got excited about it is, I think, caring for yourself enough to surround yourself with other guys like this that are playing at a high level. They have no skin in the game, right? So if Jeff is looking after you Dave and keeping you accountable, he has no financial gain. There’s nothing. Into it other than purely him, wanting to see you rise to your best. That’s right, yep. Where else do you find that?
Jeff 20:08
It’s difficult. It’s like having being surrounded by, you know, 20 of your best friends, yes, but not just your best buddy, it’s the buddy you’ve grown up with that you share your darkest secrets with
Doug Holt 20:22
it is. And as that bond can introduce a form and grow, it just gets better and better. As we hear one of the guys knocking on the door in the background, yelling, housekeeping, you always have a clown in the group, right? You have to have the clown. they always show up.Well, let’s give some parting like advice to the guys. Like we’re men, we like practical advice. Dave, what’s one thing you would recommend a guy that’s he’s obviously sitting on the fence trying to make a decision his life. He’s listening to this as three men talking about this. What advice would you give him right now?
Jeff 20:59
Be decisive for yourself. You know, make a decision to do something to take care of yourself. First. Joining TPM is a big commitment, maybe you don’t start with that. Maybe do something simple, like set up a massage once a week for yourself to just find, you know, 45 minutes to an hour to just feel good. you can build upon that. I would encourage people to reach out to Doug and his team for guidance on whether or not it makes sense to join TPM. But it’s been life changing for me. It all started with wanting to take care of myself first.
Doug Holt 21:39
you have to make that decision, right? And be decisive. Awesome. How about you Jeff?
Jeff 21:44
Mine’s gonna be the off ramp. Find the off ramp to find some time for yourself, whether that’s taking yourself out to get a steak, whether that’s a walk, maybe some downtime reading a book, just find some time for yourself. We’re all busy. We all don’t have time, but carve out that niche and listen to it. Listen to your heart.
Doug Holt 22:05
I love it, dude. You guys are just such amazing men. It’s an honor for me to spend this time with you now, and these last few days have just been awesome. So I greatly appreciate all you guys do for me and my family, for the movement for each other. It’s just that warms my heart to walk alongside you guys in this world.
Dave 22:23
So thank you. Epic week. Doug,.Thanks. Doug,
Doug Holt 22:27
Gentlemen. You just heard from these two legends on what it is like. I know for myself back in early on in my journey, Gosh, 10 plus years ago, people talking about this idea of self love, and I kind of just laughed at it. Honestly. I just didn’t get it. Didn’t get it. Didn’t understand what they were talking about. I want you to go back and listen to the words that these men are sharing with you, because it’s so important, guys. My advice to you is, hey, look at what point are you gonna decide that you deserve more than average? You deserve more than average, and you owe it to yourself, to your friends, to your family, to your community, to grow, and this is us calling you forward, right in a loving, respectful way. Doesn’t have to be with TPM, you know, I like it. I love you. To join us at the same time. Do something, you know, like Dave said, TPM could be a big commitment for you. Maybe it’s scary, I don’t know. Do something. Schedule that massage, as Jeff said, Take that off ramp, go for that walk, but do something today to better yourself and get yourself on your journey. If you’re interested in finding out, like these guys did about TPM journey, then look into it. We’re easy to find. You can go on the website, or you can email VIP at the powerful man.com mention this podcast and these two lovely men and somebody will get on the phone and just have a conversation with you. There’s no commitment. It’s easy, and they can give you some recommendations outside of TPM, even to get you started. But whatever you do in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
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